So…do you want the good news or the bad news?
We’ll go with the good news first.
- I worked out every day this week. 88,807 steps/37.32 miles at an average speed of 3.2 mph.
- I’m finally in season 4 of Scandal.
- My clothes still feel better on me.
- My feet and legs feel great.
- I didn’t gain any weight.
Now for the bad news.
- I didn’t lose any either.
- I only ran two days this week and only one day was with my c25k app. The other day was just slack running.
- I’m eating chocolate like it’s my JOB. Not the good, dark chocolate either. The extra fat, extra creamy milk chocolate. And when I say I’m eating a lot of it – I’m eating a lot of it. I mean A LOT.
What the fuck is going on?
It started out as just a couple of pieces a night. Or maybe two mini’s at 3:00 pm at work. Then you all know what happened. It went from two pieces to four to six and then a handful. I’m not quite at a whole bag of Hershey Nuggets or Hershey Kisses but I’m not far off. I know I can get there. It’s just like the wine or the cigarettes. It’s become an obsession. Yep…just like the wine.
Case in point. We had a “snowstorm” this week calling for 8-10″ but only ending up with 1/4″ (typical in the south). The night before I got home and saw that my chocolate supply was low and I, swear to God, got that feeling of panic in my chest! You all know the one. The one that used to say, “OMG, what if I run out of WINE?” Well now it’s saying, “OMG, what if I run out of chocolate?” Really?
I have two mason jars that I keep on the bookshelf in my office at work. One is always filled with bubble gum, the other with whatever colorful candy I can find for the season. Usually I make it a point to fill it with things I don’t particularly like or that I can resist. Starburst Chews are typically in there. On Monday however, I filled it with Dove Milk Chocolate and Rolos. I worked from home yesterday because of the “storm” so I had forgotten that I filled the jar. When I came in this morning and saw that jar, a feeling of giddiness came over me followed by a feeling of calm. BECAUSE THERE WAS CHOCOLATE.
I don’t like this feeling at all. I do not like the feeling that my addictions are like a game of Whack-A-Mole. Every time I conquer one, another one pops up. Where does it end? How do I stop it?
I know what I have to do about the chocolate – especially in light of my little panic attack and then my “whoopee” moment! I have to walk away from the chocolate and stay away for a long while.
But then, what else will pop up? What other addictions are waiting in the wings? And what the fuck am I trying to do? Am I numbing? Comforting? Escaping? All of the above? I’ve really got to get inside this and figure it out because it’s starting to really piss me off.
Thank God I bought that treadmill and thank God for Olivia Pope. Maybe I’ll get addicted to the treadmill…never mind…I’d just end up abusing that as well.
Sigh…
Namaste
Oh for the love of...me 
I am good with booze caffeine and food right now. Internet has popped up as the new number. Did not help I got a crack pad for Christmas. Whack a mole indeed.
Just bought a new phone that’s the size of a pop tart… And I love it.
Sherry
You are so hard on yourself, you really are. We learn compassion when we stop drinking, but we need to be compassionate to ourselves first. You are working out, which you did not do before. You aren’t drinking, which will kill you faster than chocolate, you are reaching out to other alcoholics and folks online,….come on now, what else?
Write a list of all the great stuff you are doing, the things you are grateful for. Then lay that next to eating too much chocolate and see what you think.
You always end with namaste…do you do yoga? I only ask because yoga started to shift my thoughts about many things, including what i ate. Not overnight, not quickly, but incrementally. It sure makes me kinder to myself, and those little chocolate or ice cream binges i have now are quite enjoyable, and quite ok…it’s all ok.
namaste means the light in me recognizes the light in you….it starts with you, see your light, and know it has nothing to do with how many rollos you eat.
Lovely 🙂
Yes…I do yoga. I meditate as well.
And you are absolutely right.
Namaste my friend
Uh oh. Get off this path. Get off this road of beating yourself up. You just literally, verbally, talked yourself into failing. Stop. Rewrite that post with affirmative actions and forgiveness. I believe in you! Abuse the teadmill? Come on. Stop it. Do not language the ONE positive and powerful weapon you have in your arsenal into a tool for own destruction. You love that treadmill. It loves you. This too shall pass.
Oh, and stop buying chocolate. LOL.
You know, I didn’t even realize I WAS beating myself up until I started reading these comments. Then I went back and read my post. You are so right.
I will stop buying chocolate and I will continuing my love affair with the treadmill.
I will also throw out the scale. This is about health and well being. I will also work more yoga and meditation into the mix… Evidently my soul needs a little workout as well.
And I will thank the good Lord that I blog and have wonderful friends like you guys to kick my ass when necessary.
There Paige… How’s that for a rewrite?!
Love and hugs,
Sherry
Hahahaha! Yes, Sherry. That was a good rewrite. LOL.
Hang in there, sweet lady. You’re doing well. Don’t let the set backs get you down. Reach out. It’s going to be ok.
And try, if you can, to suffer through the pain. When I went through my weightloss there were nights I literally shut myself away in my bedroom, pounding on the door just so I wouldn’t touch the door knob and let myslef out, tossing and turning, crying, beating my pillow, screaming. I did everytjing and everything to just keep myself from going to the damn fridge and getting a hunk of cheese, which I knew would turn into a hunk of cheese and a gin and soda, which would turn into a hunk of cheese and two gin and sodas, which turn into adding the second hunk of cheese to go with that second gin. It’s a slippery, slippery slope.
I know you know this. It does not make it easier. Sometimes knowledge isn’t power, it’s a G_d damn pain in the ass. Ignorance is bliss, indeed. But so is feeling proud and light and happy and good about yourself.
Whatever happens on this journey, do NOT beat yourself up. Better to PICK yourself back up.
Sherry, there are going to be other hurdles. The treadmill will become boring. You’ll catch the flu and stop exercising for a few days, which will turn into two weeks before you get sick in a different way — sick of yourself — and you force yourself back into exercise. Lots of things are gonna go down during your initial weight loss journey and beyond.
But all you can really demand of yourself is that you just keep going. Somehow, someway you WILL continue. This is where knowledge IS power. KNOW you will make it.
Chocolate is delicious. It feels nice to eat. It gives a nice sugar buzz.
Starting an exercise program is good. Your clothes feel better. That’s fantastic.
Throw the scale away. It is a dangerous game. I had to.
Ask yourself this-if you had lost 5 pounds this week, still eating the chocolate, would the blame have come up? Probably not.
Weight loss is a tricky game. I played it for many years. I never won, although I did lose weight.
Reframe your goals. You are going to exercise for the joy of it. If there is chocolate, it is savoured.
And just see what happens.
Excellent points. Every damn one of them.
Thank you.
Sherry
Anne…i threw my scale away 2 years ago…best damn decision I ever made. The only time i know how much i weigh is when i go to the doctors.
and i don’t care!
Dammit, do I need to email you. I swear to God I am doing it as soon as I publish this comment. Sherry, it is almost scary how similar our paths are right now. I just put my scale away yesterday, due to mood swings as a direct result from using it. Scales should come with warning on the label: mood altering devices.
You are doing so fantastic. I’m with Anne on this one, cut yourself some slack (yes, I am well aware I do not practice what I preach). Here’s what I’m learning to do: observe without judgment. Oh I just ate straight from the bag of chips instead of measuring them out? Okay, observation noted, let’s try to measure the next time. Still early days, but I’ll let you know how it works.
I’m emailing you in a minute…
So glad you emailed me! I returned the email. Tag…you’re it!
Sherry
Hi Sherry,
I am visiting your page for the firs time, but I’ve seen you in the blog world!
I am 177 days sober today.
My hardest other addiction right now is phone checking, FB checking, e-mail checking, blog checking, game playing ETC!
I do it instead of things I need to do, like cleaning.
I do like chocolate and ice cream!
Peace,
Wendy
Wendy!!!! 177 days is amazing!!! Congratulations.
I would say not to worry about anything else until you reach a year. Right now it’s all about just staying away from the booze by any means necessary. That means if you’d rather surf on your phone and catch up on FB then have at it.
Just, not matter what, drink. So happy you took the time to comment. Thank you.
Sherry
Sherry, OH MY GOODNESS YOU AWESOME WOMAN, enough with the beating up on Sherry!!! You are always one of the kindest, most insightful and compassionate commenters on my blog. You have to do that for yourself!!!
1) You are doing an amazing job with the exercise!!! There is no slack exercise. You ran — some days we don’t have a long, hard workout in us. I’ve learned that it’s better to consistently exercise than to push myself to the breaking point. I move my body regularly. That’s it.
2) You had too much chocolate. It just is. It doesn’t make you a horrible person. Get back on the horse — and stop buying chocolate.
3) Use that new poptart-sized phone and download The Gifts of Imperfection. Listen when you feel like eating chocolate. Brene struggles with comfort eating, too. And yes, it is numbing. You might ought to consider taking the ecourse that accompanies the book on Oprah.com. Just trust me on this.
4) You’re amazing. You can do this!
I enrolled in the course last night. I keep trying to read the book but keep losing focus – I think this will help me stay focused and really, really DIG deep!
Thanks so much for being in my corner. It’s so comforting. And thank you for the kind words.
Sherry
Yay!!!!!