Time

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Something happened to me last year that has set in motion a deep thought process the likes of which I’ve never seen.

I turned 55.

There is something about that number that has me thinking about time.  All of a sudden, the time I have left on the planet has become finite.  What’s more, since my husband is 13 years older than I, his time is even more finite.  Let me go on the record as saying that I do not like this feeling.  Not one little bit.

Yes, yes I know that no one is promised tomorrow and that anything can happen to anyone but I’m talking about that feeling of, “I have plenty of time to do that!”  All of a sudden I started to think, “Ooops…maybe I DON’T have plenty of time to do that.”  Of course there is nothing in particular I want to do that I all of a sudden can’t do.  It’s more the feeling that time is running out, that it’s no longer on my side.

I think about when I was a kid and time had a way of standing still.  Christmas would NEVER come.  I would NEVER graduate and get the hell out of school.  That guy would NEVER ask me out and then once he did, the day would NEVER come.

As I got older it began to speed up, but only a little.  It wasn’t until I had kids that time took on lightening speed and after I turned 50 that Mr. Sulu took me to warp drive.  Now I blink and five years has sped by and I’m left thinking, “Wait.  What just happened?  I want a do over.”

I feel this urgency to get things done before that last grain of sand runs through my hour-glass (those are the Days of our Lives…sorry…couldn’t resist).  I want to get a post-graduate degree.  I want to write a memoir (doesn’t everyone).  I want to learn Spanish.  I want to travel to Europe and Alaska and Asia.  I want to be at the beach more.  I want to get and stay healthier each year so I have a better chance of extending my time.  I want to spend every waking moment possible with my kids and their kids so I’m ingrained in their memories (I know that’s morbid but isn’t that what I’m talking about here?)

I know I’ll do at least some of the above before I go anywhere, it’s the urgency that has me anxious.  It’s like Father Time is breathing down my neck more and more often these days.  (And yes I know that Father Time is a man…how else do you explain why women get old and men get distinguished?  Just sayin’.)  I wish that old fart would get off my back and go bother someone else.  Someone in their 90’s…just not Betty White or George and Barbara Bush okay?

Of course when I’m in my 90’s I’ll be requesting he vacate the premises and go bother some Tibetan monk who’s 110.  Old is always 20 years older than you are at any given time amiright?

For now I’ll just have to learn to sit with these feelings, maybe ask them in to tea.  We can sit together and get comfortable and maybe move toward acceptance of the fact that time does, in fact, move on and we move with it.

But I don’t have to like it.

Namaste

 

 

Well This Just Happened

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Contentment is not getting what you want…it’s thanking God that He brought you through the bullshit so you can appreciate what you have.

Sitting here at work (it’s slow this time of year) when I look up at the calendar and realize that last Saturday I was sober for seven years.

 

And I completely missed it.  How weird is that?

Part of me feels really good that the event just rolled on by like any other day and part of me is pissed because I missed out on cake!  Most of me is just content to be wherever I am whenever I am as long as it’s sober.

Not gonna lie, there were moments during the holidays when I was nostalgic for the occasion of drinking.  Having a glass of wine with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile.  An Irish coffee after Christmas shopping in the cold.  Sitting at a bar decorated with dark wood, fireplaces and deep leather chairs sharing cocktails with the hubs.  Those are the things that come to mind.

Until I follow the drink to the end where I don’t know when to say when.  When right after that first sip I feel the pull of “more”.  When I wake up the next morning with a sour mouth and a sour stomach and I have to think really hard to determine whether or not I made an ass out of myself…again.

Then I remember that most of my friends don’t drink anymore (we’re old – that kind of shit slows down for normies as they age) and it’s not cold in the South at Christmas time and I do ALL my shopping online and wine in bars like that is way too expensive for me with two kids still in college which once again returns me to the contentment I mentioned in the above paragraph and all is right with the world…again.

So happy seven years to me but an even happier “it’s just another day”.  That fits me so much better these days.

Namaste

Word of the Year 2017

grace

Happy New Year everyone!  Ha!  I write like I think there’s still anyone out here.  No matter it’s still going to be a Happy New Year!

Oh my goodness what a 2016 it was.  Between the election and other general malaise, I actually had to sign off Facebook for about six months.  I just couldn’t take the negativity and ugliness any longer and I’m not talking about random politicists and journalists; I’m talking about so-called friends.  People I’d known most of my life were saying things from behind their computer that just broke my heart and rather than add to the vitriol I just decided to step away.

Best thing I ever did.

I stayed on Instagram to see the grandchildren and children and tried to learn Snapchat (still working on THAT one) but I didn’t touch Facebook.  I’m back now but only in a very limited capacity and I’ve discovered that you can hide people instead of unfriending them.  That way they can see your stuff but you don’t have to see theirs.

Genius.

Onto the Word of the Year.  For some reason over the last 3 or 4 months the word “grace” has been floating around in my head.  That’s not a word that was common in my vocabulary excepting the occasional Seinfeld rerun so it was a little unusual for it to be in there.  I thought about it for awhile and then decided to take it as a sign that I should choose it as my WOTY.  So there it is…

Grace.

I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do with it yet but it has been chosen.  Dum dum duuuuuummmmmm.

Webster’s defines it as:

Definition of grace

  1. 1a:  unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b:  a virtue coming from God c:  a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

  2. 2a:approval, favor<stayed in his good graces> b archaic: mercy, pardon c:  a special favor :privilege<each in his place, by right, not grace, shall rule his heritage — Rudyard Kipling>d:  disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e:  a temporary exemption :reprieve

  3. 3a:  a charming or attractive trait or characteristic b:  a pleasing appearance or effect :charm<all the grace of youth — John Buchan>c:  ease and suppleness of movement or bearing

  4. 4 —used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop

  5. 5:  a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks

  6. 6pluralcapitalized:  three sister goddesses in Greek mythology who are the givers of charm and beauty

  7. 7:  a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura

  8. 8a:  sense of propriety or right <had the grace not to run for elective office — Calvin Trillin>b:  the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful

Looking at all of these (who knew there were so many) there are a few that I can extinguish immediately.  I definitely do not possess grace so number 3 is out.  I’m not a member of nobility so number 4 is bye-bye.  While we do occasionally say grace that one isn’t going to last me all year.  While I love Greek mythology I can definitely say that this one does not apply.  I don’t even know what number 7 is.  Number 8 is not enough to satisfy my requirement.

That leaves – drumroll please – God’s grace and the last part of number 2 which includes my favorite word ever uttered…kindness.

I have said many times in this blog (and to anyone that will listen) that I have been blessed with an abundance of God’s grace.  The Big Guy loves me and I am truly honored to be His child.  He has graced me (see what I did there) with so much and I’m grateful every day.  I will definitely carry this in 2017 the way I’ve always carried it, seated firmly in my heart.

So what to do about the other part…the part where I behave with grace.  Honestly I try to always do that but for 2017 I want to try harder.  I would also like to find grace within myself and provide it to myself.  Basically I’d like to learn to cut myself the break I cut other people.

So there you have it folks, the official WOTY for SoberMom.  Grace.

Hope 2017 finds you all happy, healthy and filled with grace.

Namaste