Last night I decided that my yoga practice would be one that focused on balancing my chakras. Balancing chakras promotes wellness and healing in the body. If this is all too woo-woo for you, know that you don’t have to practice its literal interpretation to get the benefits; just focusing on the centers and what they mean to you can help bring awareness to issues and may help you to heal them.
I tend to focus on the literal and last night was no different. I was feeling fantastic and productive in my practice until I reached my “third eye” chakra. This is the one that governs wisdom, intuition and awareness. As soon as my teacher said intuition I thought, “Mother’s intuition.” which then took me directly to my failure to recognize how sick Brian was when he had pneumonia several years back. I’ve written about this ad nauseum so I will not bore you here. Suffice to say I let my concern for money and lack of medical insurance override my mother’s intuition which said, “Hospital NOW!”
The guilt and shame washed over me like a tidal wave. My first instinct was to push it down and tell myself to get over it because that’s what I’ve always done which led to “Oh yeah…how’s THAT working for ya?” So I took a deep, cleansing breath and the next thought I had was, “Tea.”
A few years ago I found an amazing therapist who taught me a few things about dealing with my baggage and old shit that rolls around in my brain. One of those things had to do with what to do when those feeling of guilt and shame came knocking on my door. He said I should invite them to tea. Invite them in, tell them to have a seat, pour them some tea and then just…be. Those feelings are a part of me just like my green eyes and annoying optimism. They exist and let me tell you from experience…they refuse to be silenced. If you ignore them or stuff them down, they will manifest in other ways (drinking, eating, spending money to name a few) and bite you in the ass every time.
So I invited them in and I sat with them. I actually visualize them as big blobs with names on them like Shame and Guilt and we all sit around a children’s play table with a proper tea service. (Yeah…I know but that’s what’s in my friggin’ head.) It wasn’t long before another, bigger and stronger feeling surfaced…FEAR. That motherfucker gets me every time. Again I just wanted it to go away but realized that it was just too big. It took up most of the room. So I invited it in and we all sat and just were.
Slowly but surely those feeling began to shrink and leave. I repeated the mantra, “He’s fine. God had your back. He’s fine.” and they just faded away and were replaced by…maybe it was peace? Acceptance? I’m not sure but I felt a helluva lot better after that little exercise.
I know that incident will never leave me and that these feelings are likely to continue to pop up from time to time and that’s okay. The great thing about good therapy is that it even after you stop going, you have tools that will help you the rest of your life if you choose to use them.
So, to my incredible therapist who may or may not be reading this, from the bottom of my heart…thank you.