Thanks for Coming…but I’ve moved

To a new address… http://sobermomwrites.com/?p=2939

Come on over…we have cookies.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Oklahoma Bound!!!

http://sobermomwrites.com/?p=2960

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Make and Effort – Make a Difference

http://sobermomwrites.com/?p=2953

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

54 at 54 and Negative Self Talk

http://sobermomwrites.com/?p=2949

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

What a Difference Two Years Can Make

http://sobermomwrites.com/?p=2946

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

In case you missed it…

…there are new posts on my new website!!!

http://sobermomwrites.com/?p=2939

 

Just in case you were wondering.  ;-)

 

Sherry

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I Think We’ve Figured It Out

So my son has been working hard getting all the kinks out of the new site and here’s what we’ve done…

You should be able to comment now without leaving your life history.

If you’d like to “follow” me you may have to manually add my new address (http://sobermomwrites.com) to your reader in order to get updates of a new post.

You can still subscribe and you’ll receive an email every time a new post is up.

Thanks for your patience.

Namaste

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Just a Gentle Reminder…

…that I’ve moved!

I’ve moved to my new home at sobermomwrites.com

Please, please, please come and visit me (sorry – begging is so unbecoming – but I don’t really care).  I love all of my readers whether you comment or just read or just occasionally click and I’d hate to lose even one of you.

So update your blogroll, change the link in your reader, or subscribe to the new home via email.  Any way you do – just do it!  (Sorry Nike.)

Namaste

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Time to Make the Move

It’s ready!!!!!!  My gorgeous and talented son has worked out all the kinks in my new website and it’s ready to go.

Please join me at www.sobermomwrites.com where I will continue to pontificate on sobriety, mental health and women over 50 getting their shit together.  You can subscribe, add me to your blogroll or put the URL in your reader.

I hope you all follow me over – I’m excited to get started.  You can also email me anytime at sobermom@sobermomwrites.com .

See you there!

Namaste

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

54 at 54 Weekly Update – Week 11

One of the things that I hated most about drinking was the constant chatter in my head about how much, when and where I was going to drink.  The planning, the buying, the rationalizing, the guilt, the anger, the sorrow, and the shame FAR outweighed the actual act of drinking.  By the time wine o’clock rolled around, my brain had already been in overdrive for about nine hours…no wonder I needed a drink!

And that doesn’t begin to touch what happened after I actually started drinking.  Sure, the wine helped to quiet the voices but by the time my drinking career was coming to an end, the wine only served to turn up the volume on those voices.

It was 24/7 monkey chatter going on in this head of mine.  I have to say that besides sober sleep and no more hangovers, the peace of mind that accompanied sobriety was the thing that kept me sober.  Once those damn monkeys stopped screeching I was blessed with a peace of mind I’d never known.  Bliss.

At least when it came to drinking.

During my therapy appointment this week, I talked a lot about yet another conversation that has been going on inside my head – this one for the better part of my life.  It’s the one I’ve mentioned before, the one that is usually the last thought I have before I fall asleep and the first thought I have when I wake up.  It’s the one about my weight.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve thought about what I look like to other people and what they thought of me.  Since the tender age of 11 years old, my constant companion was an obsession with losing weight.  My mother convinced me that I was fat which consequently made me uncomfortable in my own skin.  I was never taught to appreciate myself beyond my appearance.  Puberty also brought terrible acne as well which certainly didn’t help.

I had an aunt who once said to my mother, “My, Cathy (my sister) is beautiful isn’t she.  Isn’t it fortunate that Sherry is smart.”  I got the message that I was ugly and my sister got the message that she was dumb.  Both labels stuck.

Consequently, it really has never mattered what my actual physical appearance was, the thought that it wasn’t right and that it needed to be changed has always been present.  It’s the thought that if I could just look a certain way then I would be worthy of love and acceptance. I don’t think I can describe how powerful these voices are or how persistent.  They are so much a part of me that they’re on autopilot 90% of the time.  They just play on a constant loop.  And they have POWER.  They control my moods and my thoughts and my DAY.  Hell, they can even control my sleep!

My husband has hearing loss that was caused by Vietnam and 70’s rock concerts that has just gotten worse as he’s aged.  He hears a kind of static or white noise all the time.  He’s gotten used to it but it affects how he hears (our TV is LOUD) and it can’t be fixed with hearing aids.  We just deal with it.

I’ve been thinking that this is the closest he’ll ever come to understanding my inner dialog about my weight and appearance.  It’s constant and I’ve gotten used to it, but it’s harmful and depressing and, so far, there aren’t any aids that have helped.  No diet, no exercise, no facelift (not yet) or boob job (um…no)  or nose job (I’ve had two) or capped teeth (they were capped when I was 23) are going to fix what’s in my head.  I just deal with it.

Now that’s not to say that I won’t keep trying because I will.  Just as we raise our voice and repeat ourselves for my husband, I will find work arounds and tools that I can use to make room for the voices while taking away their power.  If there is one thing that Joe has taught me it’s to “drop the rope” and stop fighting who I am and how I am.  This monkey chatter is a part of me and I need to stop trying to make it go away.  Rather, I need to make it pipe down and make room for better and more helpful thoughts.  Rather than evicting the monkeys from my head, I need to make a comfortable place for them in the attic where they can live – out of earshot.

So for now I’m just going to stop feeding them (ha ha…get it?  feeding them!  I slay me!).  There will be no more counting calories.  I’ll still wear my fitbit (because I like it) but I will no longer let it feed to My Fitness Pal and adjust for my caloric intake.  I will continue to jump on the treadmill and walk the dogs because I love it but I will try very hard not to make thinking about it the biggest part of my day.  I will eat healthy and what I want instead of “shoulding” all over myself day in and day out.  I will occasionally update my 54 at 54 posts (maybe not weekly however) but it won’t be about numbers.  It will be about progress in my head as opposed to my ass.  I’m hoping the ass will follow but if it doesn’t, so be it.

I am also fully aware that in 2, 3 or 6 months (or weeks) I might change my mind, jump back into a Whole 30 and sign up for a marathon – I don’t think so but I might.  I might throw out all the “bad” food in our house (even though there is no “bad” food) and announce that pasta has been banned (which, for an Italian is a mortal sin) and cookies are the devil.

Right now however this feels good to me.  It’s like a balm for my wounded soul.  I feel a deep, satisfying sigh coming on and I welcome it with open arms.  I just want some peace and quiet.  I just want some acceptance of who I am, just as I am.

When I tell my kids I love them or are proud of them, sometime they’ll come back with, “Why?”  I usually say, “Because you breathe and that’s enough reason for me.”  I want someone to love me like that and I want it to be me.

Namaste

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 17 Comments