So…do you want the good news or the bad news?
We’ll go with the good news first.
- I worked out every day this week. 88,807 steps/37.32 miles at an average speed of 3.2 mph.
- I’m finally in season 4 of Scandal.
- My clothes still feel better on me.
- My feet and legs feel great.
- I didn’t gain any weight.
Now for the bad news.
- I didn’t lose any either.
- I only ran two days this week and only one day was with my c25k app. The other day was just slack running.
- I’m eating chocolate like it’s my JOB. Not the good, dark chocolate either. The extra fat, extra creamy milk chocolate. And when I say I’m eating a lot of it – I’m eating a lot of it. I mean A LOT.
What the fuck is going on?
It started out as just a couple of pieces a night. Or maybe two mini’s at 3:00 pm at work. Then you all know what happened. It went from two pieces to four to six and then a handful. I’m not quite at a whole bag of Hershey Nuggets or Hershey Kisses but I’m not far off. I know I can get there. It’s just like the wine or the cigarettes. It’s become an obsession. Yep…just like the wine.
Case in point. We had a “snowstorm” this week calling for 8-10″ but only ending up with 1/4″ (typical in the south). The night before I got home and saw that my chocolate supply was low and I, swear to God, got that feeling of panic in my chest! You all know the one. The one that used to say, “OMG, what if I run out of WINE?” Well now it’s saying, “OMG, what if I run out of chocolate?” Really?
I have two mason jars that I keep on the bookshelf in my office at work. One is always filled with bubble gum, the other with whatever colorful candy I can find for the season. Usually I make it a point to fill it with things I don’t particularly like or that I can resist. Starburst Chews are typically in there. On Monday however, I filled it with Dove Milk Chocolate and Rolos. I worked from home yesterday because of the “storm” so I had forgotten that I filled the jar. When I came in this morning and saw that jar, a feeling of giddiness came over me followed by a feeling of calm. BECAUSE THERE WAS CHOCOLATE.
I don’t like this feeling at all. I do not like the feeling that my addictions are like a game of Whack-A-Mole. Every time I conquer one, another one pops up. Where does it end? How do I stop it?
I know what I have to do about the chocolate – especially in light of my little panic attack and then my “whoopee” moment! I have to walk away from the chocolate and stay away for a long while.
But then, what else will pop up? What other addictions are waiting in the wings? And what the fuck am I trying to do? Am I numbing? Comforting? Escaping? All of the above? I’ve really got to get inside this and figure it out because it’s starting to really piss me off.
Thank God I bought that treadmill and thank God for Olivia Pope. Maybe I’ll get addicted to the treadmill…never mind…I’d just end up abusing that as well.