Whole 30 Challenge

A comment on Annette’s blog yesterday about starting this thing over for Dawn got me to thinking…what if we really do this together?  What if we copycat Belle and do a Whole 30 version of of her Team 100?  What if we leaned on each other and made this happen?

This. Just. Might. Work.

I’ve already decided to keep my Whole 30 (whole9life.com) going for another 30 days, and for my next 30 I’m going to ditch the Diet Soda (ugh) and the…gasp…International Coffee French Vanilla Creamer…cringe.  For me…that starts on September 18th.  (My current Whole 30 ends September 9th which gives me a week to regroup before I plunge in again.)  I’ve even ordered the book, “It Starts With Food” to devour before my next start date

SOOOOOO…if you guys want to join me, here’s what I’m proposing we do.

  • Go to Whole 30 and read as much as you can on the program.  Download the shopping list and check out some of the recipes and menus. 
  • For those of you who have done Atkins or Paleo or South Beach…this is a version of that on heavy duty steroids. Take the next two 1/2 weeks to prepare and psyche yourself up.  Get excited!!!  Believe me when I say that this is a GOOD thing!  You will love yourself not because you’re on a diet and may or may not lose weight, but because you’re doing something good for that body (in the alcoholic’s case) that you’ve been abusing for however many years!
  • If you decide you want to join in, email me at sherryd32148@gmail.com (or respond in the comments) and I’ll add your name to our list. 
  • Give me your start date.  It can be today, the 18th (with me!) or a date in the past because you’ve already begun.
  • In the email also include your name (first names, nicknames, made up names, or blog names are fine…no anoymous participants – you have to own this thing), your reason for joining and what you’d like to achieve at the end of 30 days.  Remember, this doesn’t have to be a number, it can be anything. 
  • Then, once a week (or twice or every day…I don’t care), email me with your progress, questions or comments.  Tell me how your mood has been and what you’ve experienced since your last email.  Share the changes that are going on in your life, your body and your attitude.
  • I’ll update everyone once a week in a weekend blog entry.  (Depending on the response to this, I’ll update more frequently if necessary – if you have a question then EVERYONE likely has the same question.  We’ll research and learn together.)  This will keep us accountable (me included…diet soda gone…ugh) and will give everyone a place to share, bitch and celebrate.

Then you have to COMMIT.

  • Put a sign on your fridge that says, “I can do ANYTHING for 30 days.”
  • Write on your bathroom mirror in lipstick or white board marker, “I am beautiful and I am WORTH these 30 days.”
  • Hide your scale and your tape measurers.  Weigh yourself and take measurements if you want on the very first day and then get someone to hide those motherfuckers where you will never find them.  Tell them that, no matter what, they are not to tell you where they hid them.  NO MATTER WHAT.  This is about health, not a number.  Besides, your clothes will begin to speak to you at about the 2 week mark.
  • Pull out those dusty AA tools and apply them to this…they work.

I’ll wait to hear from you guys.  I’m doing this no matter what because I feel so damn good right now.  You guys are welcome to hitch a ride if you want.


Southern Fried Beast

At this point in my recovery, I’ve grown very used to being around normies/drinkers.  I entertain with booze available and I attend parties where alcohol is definitely flowing.  It doesn’t bother me anymore.  My parties end earlier (because I’m not begging people to stay and have “just one more”) and I’m no longer the last to leave a party (because there’s WINE LEFT).  I go to sleep earlier and wake up without a hangover and I thank God for that every morning.

But, as I’ve said many, many times before, my beast is only sleeping.  Sure, he’s sleeping the sleep of the dead and is almost in a sort of hibernation but make no mistake about it, he can be awakened.  In fact, he loves to be awakened.  He waits for me to give him a little shove so he can growl, stretch, and remind me that I’m an addict.

Like last evening.

Work functions are still a challenge for me.  Maybe it’s because I AM an introvert and I always feel awkward in social, small talk situations.  Wine helped to loosen me up and relate to others better.  Sorry…but it’s a fact.  Maybe it’s because for years the only time I drank was when I traveled and was on my own.  When my kids were little I never drank at home and we seldom went out so when I traveled, my beast came along in my carry-on.  I don’t know why but I still feel the pull when I out with colleagues or traveling with them (traveling alone is no big deal).

So last night I attended a prescheduled dinner with some of my colleagues from my office and some from our sister office in San Francisco.  I like all of these people and we know each other fairly well so small talk didn’t even exist which was a blessing.  But when the wine arrived at the table and everyone was tasting everyone else’s wine (mostly white…my favorite) I felt the familiar sensation of my mouth watering.


But wait sports fans!  That’s not the end of the story.

Because they chose a SOUTHERN CUISINE restaurant.  The kind that cooks the way my father (born in Nashville, raised in southern Virginia) used to cook.  Mac and Cheese that is put together and baked with a thick topping of crunchy something on the top and is considered a vegetable in the south.  Southern Fried Chicken the way they can only do it in the south – soaked in buttermilk and then breaded and then deep fried.  Creamed potatoes.  Buttered corn.  Creamed spinach.  Apple pie.  Pecan pie.  Jalepeno Corn Bread. Sweet tea.

Biscuits.  I love biscuits.  I mean really “I’d marry them if it weren’t illegal in 36 states” love them.


Swear to God that was WAY worse than the alcohol.  The wine only primed the pump.  Once my beast got a look at the carb feast that was about to unfurl, he jumped out of bed, put on his dancing shoes and tapped danced on my psyche all night!!!  And just when I thought it was over and I could escape to my comfy bed…

They ordered another round.

Well fuck me naked.

I stayed.  I breathed.  I prayed.  And…as usual…I made it through fine.  I was charming, I was witty and I stayed sober and carb free.

Dear God,

If last night was a test…I passed.  Could we move on now?



It’s one of those days…

I love that movie.

First – I want to thank Furtherton for a comment he put on a post I put up last night…and then took down this morning.  Thank you Graham for reminding me what that post was REALLY about.  You rock.

Now on to today.

I am in a piss poor mood. 

Why?  Who knows.  Who cares.  All I want to do is get out of it.  There’s no particular reason I’m this dour, it just is.  Sometimes you just wake up and think, “I’d like to punch someone in throat.”  Usually that someone is me.  Today is no exception.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I just have days when all I am able to do is feel like shit about myself.  The good news is they used to come WAY more often than they do now.  Like all the time.  Every.  Fucking. Day.  The bad news is that even though I’ve come a long way, they still come.  The badder news is that not only do they still come but I still allow myself to participate.

Knock knock.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me.”

“Me who?”

“It’s your favorite sucky attitude.”

“I don’t have a favorite sucky attitude, I hate you all.”

“Fine, it’s your least hated sucky attitude.  Do you want to play or not?”

“No I do not want to play!  You’re mean to me.  All of you are mean to me!  Why would I want to play with you?”

“Aw come on…we have chocolate.”

“Ha!  See how much you know? I don’t eat chocolate anymore so there.”

“Well…we have cashews too.”

“Can I bring anything?”

Poof!  Just like that I go from a semi-confident, grown up, 52 year old woman who has built a good career, an amazing marriage and raised six beautiful, kind and lovely kids, kicked both nicotine AND alcohol and quite possibly sugar to one of those scowly faced women you see walking down the street that make you think, “Geez…who peed in your cereal?”   My mood is official bad, my attitude is sucky and I am lower than a high school freshman on the first day of school.

And the mirrors at this particular party all reflect the same image.  That of an old, ugly, fat woman in a nowhere career who’s no longer sexy to her husband and whose children merely tolerate her.  Sure I’ve kicked addiction but anyone can do that.  (No really, with the right support anyone CAN do it.)

Then why am I boring you all to tears with all of this.  Who give a flying fuck what you’re feeling today Sherry?  You’re bringing us down with all this negativity!  Geez, just crawl back into your hole would ya?

Well, I’m sharing this because it’s how I deal with these days that has changed.  Instead of smoking a pack of cigarettes, downing a bottle or six of wine, or eating my weight in M&M’s, I’m learning to cope with a different set of tools.

“Okay – I’ve over this lame party.  You all will have to leave.”

“But we don’t want to leave.  You haven’t given us any incentive to leave.  There’s no nicotine, no booze, no chocolate.  You’ve only eaten a small handful of the cashews we have for you.”

“Ah…but I have other tools.  I will pray.  I will get hugs from my family and kisses from my husband.  I will talk to friends.  I will choose the best outfit in my closet and wear it today.  I will take extra care with my hair and makeup.  I will make an extra special effort at work.  I will eat healthy.  I will take a walk.  I will practice yoga.  I will meditate.  I will go to sleep early and wake up with a new attitude.”

“Well fine.  If you want to play that way we’ll just take our cashews and leave.”

“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”


Half Way There

Week two is finished and I couldn’t be happier.  That’s not sarcasm and I’m not happy just cause it’s over.  I’m really, truly happy with this!

I’m happy because I feel like I did before everything went to shit.  This is really how I used to eat.  I seldom touched sweets.  I didn’t snack.  I did eat a lot of bread and carbs but I was a gym rat so I kept the weight down.  And, even with going out to dinner and eating rich food (I never ate dessert) I still managed to maintain my weight.  True…I was also still smoking which I know helped to fill that hole in my soul but it worked.

After the kids came along the every night restaurant meals went away and low fat home cooking was the blue plate special in our house.  I continued to work out like a crazy woman and it became easier to maintain my weight.

So this journey feels like…well…going home.

The biggest difference is how far I’ve come in recovery.  I may not have figured out how to fill the entire hole in my soul – notice I said in recovery not through recovery – but I have recognized it’s existence and have begun to explore why it exists and how I got here in the first place.  In her ebook, “Break Your Sugar Addiction Today”, Cynthia Perkins says that, for some of us, by feeding our reward pathways in the brain, we become desensitized to the pleasurable reaction we have to sugar, drugs, alcohol, sex, nicotine, caffeine and even some carbs.  We build a tolerance (hmmm….sound familiar?) and seek more and more of the substance of choice in order to provide the same “high”.

When we remove one of the substances, we simply move on to the next.  And it starts in early childhood.  As a child we become addicted to sugar.  For me it was an escape from a screwed up household.  I guess I needed something to release those happy hormones cause it sure as shit wasn’t happening at home.

Later I moved to nicotine (at 16) which shoved sugar aside as the drug of choice.  Surprise, surprise I lost weight.  As I “matured” I added alcohol.  Partly from peer pressure but I think more from the fact that I was becoming clinically depressed and seeking more and more pleasurable things to fill the hole in my soul.

Then, after realizing my own mortality, I removed nicotine…and began to gain weight…and recognized a serious depression issue.  I sought help and began medication.  But that’s when the drinking REALLY began to escalate.

Then I removed the alcohol…and reverted right back to sugar.  Sigh…

So the difference this time is that I know that sugar will kill me because I’m an addict and one cookie is never enough.  On piece of chocolate won’t cut it.  A small slice of birthday cake is an insult to my neurotransmitters.  That kind of thinking will kill me.  It has to go.  Now…that’s not to say that I’ll NEVER have a piece of wedding cake or bowl of ice cream or piece of Christmas fudge because I will.  But I’ll understand the reaction my body has and I’ll eat it knowing that I’ll have a battle for the next day or so while I fight the beast in my head roaring…MORE.  I’ll have to weigh whether that piece of whatever is worth the battle.  I have a feeling that more often than not, it won’t be.  

Let’s see…fight the motherfucker or remain serene.  Move from living in the moment to constantly fighting a craving that overtakes all of my thoughts and makes me a bitch.  Risk an early death or continue to enjoy my kids and grand-kids.  Put that way…I call bullshit on sugar.

I’m very respectful of the power that son of a bitch has but I’m also very familiar with where his weaknesses are and, more importantly, I know how to whisper a lullaby which can put him right back to sleep.
Cheats from the Whole 30 week 2:

  • Cheese in my morning ham and cheese omelet (weekends).  I’m getting a little sick of eggs at this point so I’m going to have to figure out what other options I have for breakfast.  
  • A Friday Starbucks Latte.  
  • Diet sodas…yes Mary…I’m still dancing with the devil.  But at least this time I’m leading.

Changes that surprise me:

  • I’m craving fruit.  I have not been eating it even though it’s allowed in Whole 30.  That’s because Cynthia Perkins doesn’t recommended it when trying to break a sugar addiction.  Plus, I don’t really like much fruit.  But now I’m craving it?  I’ve added watermelon, grapes, pineapples and the emergency banana (when there’s nothing else available) back in small doses.  I may have to amp that up this coming week.
  • Scales and tape measures are not allowed until after 30 days.  This is huge for me because I was used to stepping on the scale ever freaking day.  This moratorium has allowed me to focus on how my body feels rather that what mass it takes up on the planet.  It’s fairly liberating.  (But the shorts I wore yesterday I couldn’t wear two weeks ago…just sayin’)
  • Raw cashews are really, really expensive.  That is all.
  • My cravings have pretty much passed (you were right RoS…duh).  I sat at a function this week and stared directly into the soul of a piece of triple chocolate cake.  Nothing…nada…zip.  That was a huge relief.
  • The quiet in my head has returned.  I actually did some yoga and meditation last week.  Baby steps back in the right direction.

So on to the second half of this journey.  I’m trying to live in the moment but I can’t help but think that this is the way I want to live…forever.  We’ll see.


I’m Just Rambling

I am so sorry “y’all”, as they say here in the South. (“they” not “me” which explains my overuse of quotes this morning) I am really backed up on reading blogs.  Don’t be surprised if you find a comment or a “like” (there I go again) by me on something you wrote last week.  I’m not ignoring, things have just been bat-shit crazy this week…in a good way.

Closing in on two weeks on the Whole 30.  So far so good. I’ll update more on Sunday but my cravings have mostly gone away and…dun dun duuuuuuunnnnnn…sometimes I forget to eat!  Because I’m not hungry?  What WHAT?  Alert the media!  This is EPIC! 

I’m in desperate need of a date night with the hubs.  Just some time to touch base.  But it has to be cheap.  And we have to be able to talk.  Scratch the movies cause you can’t talk and scratch cheap restaurants cause they’re aren’t conducive to long intimate conversations and you’re left with….I have no idea but I’ll figure something out.  I’d suggest a ride but that would trigger a bitching session about gas.  Walking?  Not in this frickin’ weather.  Back porch?  All the rain we’ve had this year means…mosquitos.  Sigh…

I want to take a day trip to the beach.  Load everyone in the cars and just drive to the shore.  We could leave at like 6:00 am.  Spend the day and then leave at 6:00 pm to come home.  It’s about 4 hours to the beach (which KILLS me) but it’s do-able.  I need to see the ocean.  I’d also have to find something to do with the dogs or someone to check in on them a couple of times during the day.  See…it’s never simple.

Maybe I’ll just get in the car…by myself…and go to the beach. 

HA!  Now THAT’s funny.

“Y’all” have a wonderful weekend!


Heard this on the way to work this morning.  You know how much I love P!nk.  And this one just hits home on so many levels for so many of us.  Warning…P!nk is…well…P!nk. 

Stolen Moments

Last night I got home and I was in one foul ass mood.  I had been hot all day and just couldn’t cool down.  Sweaty, sticky fat lady hot.  It was gross.  All I wanted to do was go home, put on some natural fibers, lay on my bed under my ceiling fan (turned on high) and regroup.

At 6:30 pm the power went out.  Some dumb ass animal thought they could rewire the town and is now climbing trees or digging holes in heaven.

At first I thought it was a circuit so Brian went to the garage to try and reset it.  Nope.  Whole neighborhood was out.  The hubs called the power company to report the outage.  ETA…10:00 pm.

Did I mention I was hot?

So I threw a tantrum.  And dropped a few f-bombs.  And pouted.  I may have even stomped my feet.  I wanted HGTV.  I wanted light.  I wanted AIR CONDITIONING.

That’s when the magic happened.  You know that feeling that happens after a disaster?  That feeling of community that takes over and people come together without thought for themselves to solve the problem?  My little temper tantrum brought my men out in force.  Brian tried to figure out how to get the generator going so he could put a fan on me.  When that didn’t work he went up to the local convenience store and bought me a very large diet Pepsi (I love fountain sodas over ice).  Matthew turned on his charm and began to tease me out of my fit and William just engaged me in a deep conversation about his day (which I’m always up for).

As it began to get dark, we didn’t retreat to our respective “zones”.  We sat in the family room, with phones and surfaces and flashlights reading things off the Internet, playing music, telling stories and laughing.  We all expressed how nice it was (except the hubs…he was very quiet for some reason – but he did get up and push the ceiling fan from time to time to at least move the air…it was great), and at one point Brian said, “You know, as soon as the power comes on we’re going to scatter like ants.” 

And I replied, “Just enjoy the moment and don’t worry about later.”  See!  I have grown!

At 9:30 the power came on and we did indeed scatter like ants.  Everyone had school or work the next day so we had to get things done.  But, as I lay my head to on my pillow, I thought about how wonderful the evening had been and how, if I had still been drinking, awful it would have been.

  • I would have been even more sweaty because alcohol always heated me up.
  • I probably would have said something inappropriate at some point or picked a fight.
  • Eventually they would have retreated rather than listen to a drunk blather on and on about inconsequential things.
  • At that point I would have been left with the hubs who would have had to endure my maudlin discussion about the kids all being in college and where did the time go and boo hoo hoo I’m getting old.  (I mean…we have these conversations now but doing it with a drunk is just unbearable.  Honestly, I used to get on my own nerves when I got like that!)
  • And worst of all, I would have missed the magic of that moment in time because it would have been all about me.  I would have missed the beauty of a family that, at a time like that, would rather be with each other than anywhere else in the world.  I mean, Brian’s girlfriend had power.  Matt and Will’s friends all had power.  They have cars.  You do the math.

Before I fell asleep, I thanked God for the gift of this evening and the blessing of this family.  Of course the sick part of my brain tried to ruin it with what I call my ‘Headlines’, “Mother of six killed in car accident on the way to work.  Kids say power outage was a gift.” and shit like that.  But I told said brain to leave me alone and let me enjoy my life.  And then I asked God to tell her to shut the fuck up.  I don’t know if God drops the f-bomb but I’m sure He gets His point across.

And then I prayed for the poor little animal that had to sacrifice its life so I could have that stolen moment.


Week One Done…Boom

Note:  I think I’m going to update my No Sugar Science Experiment on Sundays as I move from week to week.  That way I won’t bore you all to death and it will give me an opportunity to revisit the week in writing and make adjustments as necessary.

When I close my eyes tonight, I will have completed one week of my No Sugar Science Experiment (NSSE or Nessie for short.)  My apologies to Reneesme for stealing her nick name…never-mind, it’s the dumbest name ever so screw it…it’s mine.

I’m taking my cues primarily from the Whole 30 but I’m not adhering strictly to all of the principles so I feel like a fraud if I say I’m actually doing a “whole 30”.  What I have done this past week is remove ALL refined sugar from my diet, ALL grains and ALL junk food and snacks.  And I have not slipped even once.

In fact, my son William and I went to lunch on Saturday at a local place famous for their wings.  I love wings…I mean really love them.  I could drink the sauce they put on standard Buffalo wings.  Did I mention how much I love them?  He had an order of boneless (cheater) hot honey BBQ wings with a side of French Fries.  Oh yeah, I also love the fuck out of some French Fries.

I did not so much as ask him for a bite of anything.  I ordered a house salad, sans croutons with balsamic vinaigrette on the side which I then poured all over my salad.  (Personally I think dressing “on the side” is pretentious and stupid.  Salads are meant to be dressed.  No one wants to see a naked salad.  It’s unseemly.  But that’s just me.)  What’s more, I wasn’t even miserable!  Not one little bit.  Progress.

My “cheats” or “slips” this week are as follows (although I prefer the term modifications):

  • One cup of coffee per morning.  I’m no longer using artificial sweetener but I AM continuing to use International Delights French Vanilla.  You’ll have to pry that from my cold dead hands.  Oh, I had two cups this morning.
  • I’m still drinking diet soda.  Pepsi Max when I’m able and Diet Coke when I’m in a restaurant.  I try to keep it to two per day but sometimes I go overboard (imagine that).
  • I made a fantastic Paleo dinner tonight (balsamic chicken, roasted garlic cauliflower, broccoli and fruit salad).  Please note that Paleo does not equal Whole 30.  Whole 30 is much more restrictive because you’re resetting your body and detoxing from a lot of shit (which is another benefit of this diet…TMI). No sugar of ANY kind, very limited fruit, especially the high sugar kind, no dairy, etc. But since I had to convince my family that this was a good thing, I included a fruit salad of watermelon, grapes and fresh pineapple – and I ate a serving.  I’m not sure what this will do to me this evening when the beast is most active.  Suffice to say, this may be an early evening for me.
  • I had a Starbucks Grande Skim Latte on Friday.  It was good.  I have no regrets.
  • I chew gum on weekdays (mostly).  I used to smoke like a fiend when I drove and when I quit I replaced it with sugar-free gum.  I still chew gum when I drive.  I also chew bubble gum in the afternoon at work.  The full sugar kind.
  • I’m not dairy free.  I put goat cheese on my daily lunch salad (chicken breast, romaine lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, olives, balsamic vinaigrette and olive oil).  I also put Colby cheese in my omelet yesterday and today as well as deli ham (I avoid luncheon meats because of the added preservative and chemicals but you use what you’ve got).
  • Cranberry juice in my carbonated water in the morning.

So, which modifications does my beast LOVE?

  • The cranberry juice in the water must go.  He loves that shit and whines constantly at me after I drink it.
  • Gum is going to have to be only when I drive.  When I chew it other times, he shouts MORE MORE MORE, in my head so loud I could probably chew an entire pack in 30 minutes.  Not. Good.
  • Almonds are a life saver right now but I have to be super careful…nuts have a lot of calories.
  • The jury is out on the fruit.

Now here’s the thing…

I feel better than I have in YEARS.  Pink cloud?  Maybe.  But I hope it’s just a good diet.

I’m no longer tired all the time.  I no longer want to take a nap.  I’m not dosing off in front of the TV.  I have energy.  I’m…um…regular (this is cause for an alert on my CNN app on my phone people).  I’m eating because I’m hungry (or not eating because I’m not) as opposed to eating because there is something I simply MUST have.  Something that is calling my name from the cabinet or freezer.  I’ll admit that midway through this week I felt like I had a hole somewhere that I couldn’t fill but today…well…it seems to be full.  We’ll see what next week looks like.

So while my diet feels decidedly boring and I’m occasionally whining about how “I’ll never eat Ghiradelli chocolate chips again”, I’m already thinking about what Paleo sanctioned treats I can make for my grandchildren when they come to visit this Christmas to replace the sugar laden baked good I usually make for them (and everyone else).

I wonder if there’s a Paleo Monkey Bread?


School Days

My children will return to school next week.  Wait…that’s not right.

My grown ass men will either start or return to college next week. 


I no longer have a child in the school system (public or private).  I am a grandmother, and while I have worn that title proudly for many years (15 to be exact), I have done so with a somewhat smug attitude.  After all, my stepdaughter is only 10 years younger than me so really, I wasn’t old enough to be a grandmother…technically.  Then my niece had children and since my sister had her when she was 17, well…I remained smug.

When my nephew’s baby came along it became official – I’m old enough to be a proper grandma.

No kids in school + grandbabies = old.  Sigh…

The vast majority of the time I bask in the glow of grandmotherhood and the fact that my “children” have grown into wonderful “adults” (for the most part anyway).  However, at times like this, when I look around and realize that the raising part of them has morphed into coaching and supporting, my heart aches for the feel of a little boy who smells like fresh air and dirt jumping into my arms after a day at preschool ready to tell me about his day. 

I even miss little boys who come home from school with skinned knees, bumped heads, or hurt feelings and just need their mom to kiss the boo-boo to make it better.  The boo-boos they get now need a helluva lot more than a kiss (from me anyway) to make them better.  They are grown up boo-boos and most of the time they suck ass…big time.

Damn I’m glad I quit drinking when I did. 

This feeling + wine = disaster of epic proportions.

Science Experiment Update

To all you Whole30 or Paleo people out there or just the ones who have ditched sugar, I need some advice.  Right now I find myself thinking about food constantly and putting stuff in my face even when I’m not hungry (good stuff like yellow and red peppers and celery or a small amount of nuts).  It’s like I’m trying to fill a hole and it just won’t get full.

I have two questions:
1.  Is this because my body wants carbs and I’m not giving it to them?  Usually when I have a craving for something, if I don’t get it then I end up eating everything on the planet to make it go away.  I’m thinking this is the same thing.  Yes?
2.  Will it pass?

Have a wonderful Friday and a great weekend and remember, don’t let anyone steal your happy – including your beast.


Topping It Off

Not only did I make it through yesterday having to purchase all of my food, but I made it through last evening hosting a hen party where all I served was chips and dip…and wine.  I didn’t touch one chip (I did lick some dip off a spoon but there were no carbs in it) and I didn’t touch one drop.  Yay me!

Why?  Why is this so okay this time?

Planning.  I mentioned yesterday that I plan.  I’m smart enough to know that “plan” is just a euphemism for “control” so okay…I control.  My rock bottom when I was drinking began with a comment from the hubs followed by a week of planning (when, of course, I drank).  I chose a Thursday for my first day sober (1/7/10) and then drank myself stupid for a week (situation normal…all fucked up) until the very last day.  On that day, I went to the store and purchased my second favorite wine (they were out of my first favorite – I still regret not going to another store…lol) Cakebread Chardonnay.  It was $40 a bottle so it was a real splurge given that I had been drinking away our cash for some time.  It was also not the only bottle I drank that night…it was just the last.

I came home and showed my husband the bottle.  When his eyebrows shot up I said – this will be the last bottle of wine I ever drink…I want it to be a good one.  And that was it. The next morning I woke up (with a hangover of course) and I haven’t had a drop since.  Stubborn?  Persistent?  Tenacious?  Who cares?  Whatever makes it work.

I did the same thing this time.  I started reading and research about a week and a half ago (after the scale incident) and then proceeded to try and eat my weight in chocolate – which, as we’ve already established, is a a fuck load of chocolate.  I gave myself free reign to pretty much eat whatever I wanted for that week and I topped it all off with a bag of Ghiradelli milk chocolate chips on Friday, Saturday and Sunday (yes…one each day) in addition to two pieces of cheesecake on Sunday (cheesecake is my favorite dessert in the world). 

And then…I was done.

So that’s what’s different this time.  I made a choice so therefore I don’t feel deprived.  Instead I feel empowered.  Instead of hitting “rock bottom”, I chose to “top it off”.  To add that finishing touch before…I’m done.

I’m still not sure what will happen after 30 days…but I know I’ve taken a step to change my life.



Day 3 of "The Experiment"

Thanks to everyone for all of your kind and supportive comments regarding this next phase of tackling my demons.  I’ve read about all I can read (Whole 30, Potatoes Not Prozac, Stop Your Sugar Addiction Today, The Paleo Plan, etc.) and guess what?  They all basically say the same damn thing to me.

I need to get sugar and most carbohydrates the hell out of my diet. 

I’ve known this for a long time (like I knew I needed to quit smoking and drinking…duh) but I’ve been igorning it, trying to moderate, trying to make it work my way.  Guess what else?  I suck at this making it work my way thing.  Yeah…like I didn’t already know that.  Geez…

Anyway, for some reason that I can’t figure out, this time is different.  Just like it was when I finally walked away from cigarettes and chardonnay…this time my heels are dug in and I’m going at this thing.

Here’s how I know…

The withdrawals that I’m feeling and the things that I’m going through are EXACTLY the same ones that I experienced both with nicotine and alchohol.  I think I’m a pretty logical woman.  I’m know I’m a smart woman.  I can do that math.

This morning I woke up and found myself seated firmly on a pink cloud.  Haven’t been there in awhile but I sure as hell recognize it.  That feeling of feeling good not only physically but psychologically as well.  Being proud of what I’m doing and knowing its the right thing.

Even though my pants were way too tight this morning, I didn’t say one negative thing to myself or about myself.  It is what it is and it won’t be that way long.

While I’m not sure I can grasp “forever” yet, I know I can do this for 30 days and I’m only promising myself those 30 days.  I’ll reasses later.

I hit my “rock bottom” when my scale hit numbers I’ve never before seen.  I didn’t cry (which I usually do), nor did say, “well fuck it  – might as well eat another bag of chocolate chips”.  Instead, a feeling of resolve came over me and I began to plan.  When I start planning I know it’s a sure thing.

And as if to solidify this whole situation for me – today something happened that made me SURE this was it.

I pack my food very carefully based on what I’ve learned over the last few days (I need some almonds in the afternoon, two eggs doesn’t cut it in the morning, caffeine withdrawal sucks, “splashes” of cranberry juice in the evening wake up the beast and he pesters the shit out of me the rest of the evening) so that there is no reason for me to “slip”.  This morning I walked out of the house without breakfast, lunch or snacks.

Previously this would have been a “fuck it” moment – but not today.  I searched the city (it’s a very small city) until I found a restaurant with two boiled eggs and some plain greek yogurt (I skimmed off the fruit and granola and threw it away) so I could have breakfast. I refused to settle for a whole wheat breakfast wrap because I didn’t want the wrap.  I returned to that same restaurant for lunch and created a salad that was very close to the one the hubs’ makes for me.  At 4:00 or so I’ll go down to the little store and grab some almonds.

And here’s the most important part…not once did my mouth water for the pastries, bagels and other “breakfast” foods that are usually found in restaurants.  Not once did I crave one bit of it.  What’s more…I would have gone hungry or bought some almonds before I caved.

So I’m still on track and since I’ve never made it to day three before, I take today as a huge victory for me.

Now we’ll see what happens tonight.  Last night I threatened the hubs with the knife I was using to cut up my chicken. 

Hubs – “Honey, do you need some help?”

Me (annoyed because he made dinner for everyone else and forgot about me…remember, I’m not rational right now) – “You should probably just walk away and leave me alone right now…I’m armed.”


Me – “You know it’s me and not you right?”

Hubs – “I got your back babe.”

He’s a keeper.