Why I Hate “Weather”

We had some “weather” last night in my neck of the woods.  When I moved south from the Mid-Atlantic region of the U.S., I assumed winters would be milder.  For the most part they are…but that only means that when we do get “weather” (in this case sleet and ice) it’s a real pain in the ass.

I hate snow/ice primarily because…well…I’m an adult.  I have adult responsibilities.  Gone are the days of wearing my p.j.’s inside out and praying, with my little girl hands clasped tightly, for a snow day.  Now I wear them inside out, clasp my old lady hands gently (you know…in case of arthritis) and pray, “Dear Lord…no fucking snow please.”  Plus, I hate being wet/cold, I can’t sled, or ice skate or play “whip”.  I fall down now.  I might break a hip or something.

Part of those adult responsibilities include a daily trip to the grocery store to pick up odds and ends…that is, until a weather station 100 miles away decides to whisper the word “snow”.  Upon the utterance of that one syllable, four letter word, all manner of man, woman and child are called to the nearest grocery store like small children are called from other rooms when the Teletubbies theme song is played (that baby in the sun is creepy).  They enter, glassy eyed and begin to methodically load their carts with bread, milk, toilet paper and Campbell’s Soup.  The fact is that one-third of those individuals are lactose intolerant and don’t even drink milk, one third forgot that they made a trip to Cosco last weekend and now have enough toilet paper to make it til the “end of days” and the final third have high blood pressure and never eat Campbell’s Soup because of the sodium content.  All will awake from their trance two days from now wondering where in the hell all that Wonder Bread and 2% milk came from.

People please, we live in a country where most could survive weeks on what is in their pantry right now!  It may not be what you want but you’ll live.  In fact, most of us in this country could stand to lose a few pounds so this may be a great time to start that diet.  Go home and let those of us who really need the necessities get in and out before midnight.  Let’s face it, there are only a few real necessities anyway…toilet paper, feminine hygiene products and baby formula/food…and maybe chocolate depending on the need for those feminine hygiene items.  Everything else we can do without for the few hours it will take to clear the roads and dig us out of the 1/2″ of snow, sleet or ice that fell.

Finally, for the love of all that is holy, stay off the roads!!!!  I live in a transplant area.  That means no one is actually from here.  So…if you are from Boston we all know that you know how to drive in “weather”, there is no need to tailgate the old lady from Florida who’s never seen snow and is driving 8 MPH on the interstate.  Get off your cell phone where you are bitching to your friends in the northeast about the drivers in the south and go around her!  Not at 60 mph where the draft from your vehicle will send her into a spin and over the guardrail but at a safe speed and distance so that all of you idiots who think you are indispensable to your jobs can arrive safely.

Newsflash…you’re not that important…trust me.

Newsflash…people from Florida…snow is not a colder form of the petals that are shed from Bradford Pear trees.  It’s treacherous and can be deadly when driven on incorrectly.  Stay the hell home.

Newsflash…Bostonians…even you can’t drive safely on ice.  Stay the hell home.