Reading through my blog list this morning, I came across two posts from two wonderful bloggers that got my brain going on the subject of self-loathing or, conversely, self love. Since I’ve been praying for God to open my heart more and make me a better person (because clearly I don’t think I am), I’m taking this as another one of His bricks upside my fat head.
Hey Sherry! Pay attention! I’m tawkin’ here-ya! (In my mind, God is from Jersey today.)
Anyway, Heather over at Sober Boots, reprinted a beautiful prayer from another blogger that I will print and keep in my meditation room so that I can use it on a regular basis. You’ll have to check out Heather’s blog (which was another one of His bricks for me) to see the entire post but the line that struck me the most was, “…to forgo the indecent luxury of self-hatred…” Wow.
Then I was reading Amy over at Soberbia (still the best name for a blog EVER), and she posted about learning to like herself now that she’s sober. She’s early in the sobriety game and doing really, really well. So well in fact that her writing always gets my brain going. Thank you Amy.
Anyway…I started thinking about where I was in this journey of “forgoing the indecent luxury of self-hatred” and learning to actually like and maybe, dare I say it, love myself. Have I made any progress? How much more work is there to do? Will I every get there?
To which I answered…yes, lots, maybe.
I have, in fact, made a great deal of progress in this regard. I have begun to forgive myself and, more importantly, realize that I’m not such a bad person after all. There are days I look in the mirror and think, “not bad for an old broad”. And times during meditation when I’m actually glad I am who I am.
Progress people…trust me.
More work? Oh hell to the yeah. I still have days when I second guess decisions and what I’ve said to someone and whether or not I’m a good mom or friend or wife or whatever. You can’t erase 45 years of beat downs with three years of being stripped naked, with nowhere to hide and intense introspection. I’m still battling demons that were born before I was so yes, more work will have to be done.
Will I get there? Do any of us every get totally to the point where we stop questioning whether or not we’re good and doing the right thing? Do we ever get to a point where we completely love who we are? And, more importantly, should we ever get there? I mean, if we did, what would we have to look forward to. Then again, we might be more content with what we have.
Oh Lord…I’m making my brain hurt.
Suffice to say that I’m a work in progress but I’m happier with who I am than I’ve every been. I’ll continue to work on me because I think that’s what God wants me to do. Prayer and meditation, clean eating and exercise, and lots and lots of love.