My apologies to the Rolling Stones but I couldn’t resist. And the rest of you can thank me for getting that song stuck in your head.
One of the things I hate most about being at a low point in my depression is the lack of motivation that comes over me about everything. I can’t get motivated most days to get out of my living room chair much less do all the projects and activities that I should be doing. I am always careful not to, as they say in AA, should all over myself, but this goes beyond that. I know it’s depression when I can’t get motivated to do the things I love. The things that should bring me joy just won’t right now. At least I don’t think they will – I don’t actually know because…you know…I am not motivated to actually DO them.
That’s part of the depression also…we have a complicated relationship. Don’t judge.
The weather here this week is nothing short of glorious. Low humidity and highs in the low 70’s. It’s rare we see this weather this late in the spring so when it does appear, I usually jump at every chance to take advantage of it. That means sitting outside in my swing or taking a walk after work or puttering around in my flower beds getting them spruced up for the growing season.
Now? I’ve noped out of all of it.
Last night I came home from work. Sat for a little while outside with the hubs…and then complained that the bugs were biting and returned inside to plop my butt in my chair and play on my phone and feel like crap because I KNOW I’m missing out on some gorgeous weather but…wait for it…I don’t care.
What the actual fuck?
And the crazy thing is that I REALLY DON’T CARE! I don’t care that I’ve wasted this time. I don’t care that a walk would be just what the doctor ordered (literally). I don’t care that exercise and getting things done would improve my mood dramatically.
I don’t care about yoga.
You heard me. For the first time in my adult life I don’t care about hitting the mat, finding my zen or even just breathing properly. I’m not sad about it. I just don’t care. I sit at work and think I’m going to go home and unroll my dusty mat and then I walk in the door and I just…don’t.
Even when I’ve been away from the mat over the years, I’ve never NOT wanted to be there. In fact, there were times I would have rather been there than almost anywhere else in the world. Now? Not so much.
The last time I was in this deep the thing that sent me running to the proverbial couch was the fact that I had an opportunity to see my Redskins play here in Charlotte and I didn’t go. I didn’t care to go. That one even impressed my doctor. He said that as much as I talk about my Skins – I must be depressed. (Actually he said it in a much more clinical and professional manner but you get the drift.)
So I will go to see my therapist (every other week right now) and I will let the doctor adjust my meds and when I do my first down dog and extend my savasana because I love being in that space, you’ll be the first to know.