On Depression

Depression
Whoa.

tap…tap…tap…is this thing on?

If you’re out there than hi!  I’m writing again!  We’ll see how long it lasts and whether or not it makes me feel better but for now, if you’re there, I’m here…and even if you’re not there I’m here because after all it’s all about me (but you already knew that).

For those of you that know me let me just say that yes, I’m still sober and very happy with that decision.  I don’t know what label I prefer (alcoholic, problem drinker, dual diagnosis with my depression) but I do know that I don’t want to feel that particular More Monster ever again.  I say that particular More Monster because, of course, I have several more which is why I’m back…that and because I can’t afford therapy in the traditional sense.

All I know is that I feel a pull to the keyboard that I haven’t felt in a VERY long time.  A need to remove my thoughts and put them somewhere where I can properly arrange and re-arrange until I can make some sense of what is rolling around in there.  A need to PROCESS what is becoming a constant, and very boring btw, dialog about myself and how inadequate I am as a human.  In other words, my depression.  I’ve ridden this rollercoaster for so long now (almost 25 years) and I’m so bored with the whole process I could spit.  I’m so tired of hearing my own voice in my head that I just want her to shut the ever-loving fuck up – and that feeling scares me.  It feels like giving up on myself and accepting what is and that is not what I do.

I do not give up.

I was taking steps to find and see a therapist and I was about to pull the trigger when I realized how much it was going to cost me, out-of-pocket, to go and talk to a stranger about things that could just as easily be typed out in a blog for a others (or no one) to read.  It worked so well while I was getting sober why shouldn’t it work again?  In fact, while I was praying the other morning, the thought just popped in my head – WRITE.  Never being one to ignore a God moment I thought, “Well okay then!”

So this will likely start out with a long stream of consciousness that will essentially be gibberish until I have the time to sort it all out.  Fortunately the published versions of that gibberish will not actually BE gibberish as I’ve learned how to save things in draft to return (or not) later.  I hope that I can retrain my brain to vomit my thoughts all over the page again since that seems to be the only way for me to truly process what’s happening.

I may take this blog private depending on what I have to say or I may leave it public.  There are a few souls out there who I once trusted that I may or may not trust any longer and therefore with whom I do not want to share even more intimate details.  Then there are those that I actually NEED to hear from (you know who you are and even if you don’t, I’ll reach out to make sure you do) and even if I go private, they’ll know how to get to it.  Then again, I really love when random souls stumble on my writing and take away something.  It’s like I’m repaying the Universe for all those bloggers who loved me until I could love myself again.

But for now I’ll just say…

Namaste

14 thoughts on “On Depression

  1. Welcome back.i am happy to see you.
    I am sorry your depression has trapped you. I understand and have been there.
    My own life has been very complicated recently, but I find the love from the virtual world keeps me believing in myself, even when I want to take the down elevator.

    Big hug
    Anne

    1. Hello Anne!!! I’ve tried to follow some of your recent journey which, when I signed on recently, had me frantically looking back at your posts. I hope you are finding some peace in your new life no matter how challenging. Man life can suck sometimes.

  2. Omg!!! Welcome back!! Oh I’m so happy to see you pop up here! I hope I’m part of your second group! I too am wanting to come back to blog….soon. So much to say and the topic of depression is always lurking around our edges here too. I so look forward to your vomiting up here! Lol It really is a path to wholeness and wellness. I love you!! So happy!!

  3. Helloooooo! So good to hear from you! Welcome back. I have been on my sober journey since 2013 and your posts were part of my sober toolbox for a long time. I am not much of a commentator but I hope to change that. I don’t have many “real life”sober friends so it’s great to listen and learn from others online. I just struggle with participation… Thanks for sharing. Please know you help others out here!

  4. Hey, Ninja Warrior! I thought I saw you comment on a blog recently and was WTF is that our Sherry! So glad you’re blogging again but sorry to hear that life’s trials are getting you down right now. Time to fight! You gave me courage to develop a kick ass attitude to get sober and I owe you for that one, it will be 6 years soon. Keep writing and welcome home!
    Sharon

    1. Sharon!!! I’ll get through it (probably by blogging). So great to hear from you. I didn’t realize how much I missed everyone until I started hearing from them.

  5. OMG!! You’re back! YAYYYYYYY! I’ve been away from blogging regularly, too, and popped on this morning to try to get my mojo back, and low and behold, I hit the reader and there you were! You’ve been missed. More soon. Gibberish works. Get it out. Oh… and I hear you on the therapy cost. I’m in the same boat, so writing it will have to be for the moment. All the best as you figure out what you need in this moment.

    1. VIV!!!!! So happy to hear from you! Hope all is well. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do on blogs (haven’t even been reading) but I hope all is well.

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