Time

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Something happened to me last year that has set in motion a deep thought process the likes of which I’ve never seen.

I turned 55.

There is something about that number that has me thinking about time.  All of a sudden, the time I have left on the planet has become finite.  What’s more, since my husband is 13 years older than I, his time is even more finite.  Let me go on the record as saying that I do not like this feeling.  Not one little bit.

Yes, yes I know that no one is promised tomorrow and that anything can happen to anyone but I’m talking about that feeling of, “I have plenty of time to do that!”  All of a sudden I started to think, “Ooops…maybe I DON’T have plenty of time to do that.”  Of course there is nothing in particular I want to do that I all of a sudden can’t do.  It’s more the feeling that time is running out, that it’s no longer on my side.

I think about when I was a kid and time had a way of standing still.  Christmas would NEVER come.  I would NEVER graduate and get the hell out of school.  That guy would NEVER ask me out and then once he did, the day would NEVER come.

As I got older it began to speed up, but only a little.  It wasn’t until I had kids that time took on lightening speed and after I turned 50 that Mr. Sulu took me to warp drive.  Now I blink and five years has sped by and I’m left thinking, “Wait.  What just happened?  I want a do over.”

I feel this urgency to get things done before that last grain of sand runs through my hour-glass (those are the Days of our Lives…sorry…couldn’t resist).  I want to get a post-graduate degree.  I want to write a memoir (doesn’t everyone).  I want to learn Spanish.  I want to travel to Europe and Alaska and Asia.  I want to be at the beach more.  I want to get and stay healthier each year so I have a better chance of extending my time.  I want to spend every waking moment possible with my kids and their kids so I’m ingrained in their memories (I know that’s morbid but isn’t that what I’m talking about here?)

I know I’ll do at least some of the above before I go anywhere, it’s the urgency that has me anxious.  It’s like Father Time is breathing down my neck more and more often these days.  (And yes I know that Father Time is a man…how else do you explain why women get old and men get distinguished?  Just sayin’.)  I wish that old fart would get off my back and go bother someone else.  Someone in their 90’s…just not Betty White or George and Barbara Bush okay?

Of course when I’m in my 90’s I’ll be requesting he vacate the premises and go bother some Tibetan monk who’s 110.  Old is always 20 years older than you are at any given time amiright?

For now I’ll just have to learn to sit with these feelings, maybe ask them in to tea.  We can sit together and get comfortable and maybe move toward acceptance of the fact that time does, in fact, move on and we move with it.

But I don’t have to like it.

Namaste

 

 

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18 thoughts on “Time

  1. EXACTLY!!
    I’m 63, and it’s just so strange to be thinking of how much time I might have left being healthy and able to do things I love.
    I read once that people at the end of their life regret not what they did not, but what they didn’t do.
    xo
    Wendy

    1. Yep…my only regret is that I wasted so much time drinking. Then again, I wouldn’t be as healthy and happy as I am today if not for that time so…

      Thanks girl.

      PS-And I cannot BELIEVE you’re 63! When you wrote about retirement I thought you just decided not to work anymore because I just KNEW you were not old enough.

  2. One day at a time we keep moving forward. I keep hoping that not drinking or smoking and eating relatively healthy, will over ride my “obesity” and I will live to be 100. But only if I still can remember everyone I love.

  3. Ah…the days of our lives….

    I remember a time in 2013 when I wished my life was over. Where I didn’t see any real reason for being…and I mainly sat on the couch drinking wine and wondering how life had passed me by.

    Now the days do go by quickly…and each one has beauty and meaning. I don’t always know what the meaning is, but I believe in it.

    Invite those feelings in. Savour that preciousness of life. That’s all that matters.

    1. I am 57 and I think I am finally getting this sober thing. It has taken a while to put pieces together and really commit from within. Because, yeah, “I’m not that bad.” So much time wasted drinking and thinking!!!

  4. I’m 55 later this year.

    I could retire. Well the rules now say I can draw funds out my pension(s).

    One person says “Take it now, retire early – better to have what you can as early as you can” Others say “Stay working as long as you can. Don’t touch it you’ll be much better of if you work another 10 years”.

    What on earth to do! I should really talk to someone who understands the financial stuff and get some better understanding of my options on that. Then start to figure out what I want to do.

    Oh – I don’t want to write a memoir, maybe I’m the odd one. Mine would be so bloody boring!

    1. Your’s would be the best one of all my friend.

      I want to retire but only from the grind. I never want to stop working/learning. When you stop doing that then you dry up and die!

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