54 at 54 Weekly Update – Week 7

 

This week has been…um…interesting.

I’ve been in a much better frame of mind.  I’d love to give you a count of steps and miles but my fairly new FitBit is acting up and many of my days last week have a big fat “0” where the steps should be.  I had my old FitBit for over a year and it worked perfectly.  When my company gave us new ones (for free) I got a new one.

I gave the old one to a friend.  That one is still working just fine thank you VERY much.

*sigh*

But overall I’ve had a much better attitude this week.  Still not getting on the scale.  Clothing still feels good – maybe even a little looser – okay definitely looser.  Planning when to add weight training to my fitness routine.  Really, really good.

Until today.

I’ve been known to be a little thin-skinned when it comes to my looks.  It’s no secret that I don’t have a very high opinion of how I look and the extra weight makes that even worse.  I PROMISE that this is something I’m working very hard to correct and I am NOT fishing for compliments.  I’m just stating facts.  I work very, very hard to convince myself that I am more than a number on a box on the floor or on the back of my jeans.  That my worth lies in the size of my heart rather than the size of my ass.

And then this happens…

I’m eating lunch, at my desk, again.  I have my salad which consists of lettuce, 3 oz of chicken, tomatoes, olives, cucumbers, goat cheese and three tablespoons of low calorie Cesar dressing.  It’s my everyday lunch (which is my largest meal) and packs a whopping 450 calories of healthy, whole food.  With that, I also have exactly two Diet Pepsi’s.

Boss (seeing me pour my soda):  You know you’d be a lot healthier if you didn’t drink that crap.

Me:  I know but it’s the only crap I have in life! (kidding)

Boss:  I’m sure you have a lot more crap….(trailing off when she realizes what she’s saying). 

Me:  Really?  Like what?

Boss:  *crickets* 

Me:  Look, I don’t drink.  I don’t smoke.  I try to limit sugar.  I don’t eat a lot of fatty food.  I never eat fast food.  I get two sodas a day.  I’m fine.

Boss:  Well…at least tell me it’s diet.

Me:  Of course it’s diet.

Boss:  *Walks away*

At first I laughed it off but the more I let it stew, the more it bothered me.  I know my boss has an aversion to “fat” people which she states on a regular basis.  I often have thought, “Lord what she must think of me.”

I guess now I know.

This has me feeling pretty low right now but, if anything, it’s added to my resolve.  Not so she won’t think I’m fat any more (because once I get through these feelings I really won’t give a flying fuck what she thinks) but because I need to rebuild my confidence and I can’t do that if I’m unhealthy.

Unhealthy Sherry takes a conversation like that and just rolls her eyes, pretending it doesn’t hurt as much as it really does.

Healthy Sherry says, “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.”

I like healthy Sherry’s attitude.  She’s got balls.  😉

Happy weekend everyone. Stay safe.  Stay sober.  Stay healthy.

Namaste

 

22 years ago

Twenty two years ago today, I fell in love for the first time.

Not romantic love – I did that when I met his father ten years prior.

Twenty-two years ago today this little man came into my life and put a big fat crack in the walls around my heart.  Those same walls soon crumbled and left an open and raw heart that burst with first time love.  Love that is unconditional and never ending.  Love I didn’t know I was capable of feeling…much less giving.  Love that made me a better person.

Happy Birthday William.  I am grateful every minute of every day that God decided I needed to be your mom.

I love you.

William

Slippery Slope

 

It’s funny how easily I can go from rah-rah Sherry to shit-for-brains Sherry.  I’ve been making a real effort to relax and be a little nicer to myself since my last post.  I’m never going to get anywhere on this journey back to healthy by beating myself up – besides…bruised egos are soooo last week!

But it’s a very slippery slope.

Yesterday a series of events had the hubs picking me up late from work which means I didn’t get home until almost 8:00 pm.  With everything else that had to get done, that meant I did not get a chance to hit the treadmill.

Which damn near sent me into a panic attack.

As I was in the car on the way home my monkey brain started chattering away at me…

“OMG if you don’t work out you’ll never lose any weight – you’ll have to make this mileage up the rest of the week – Tuesday is supposed to be your running day and OMG you just set the plan in place and now you’re going to go back on it – how many calories have you had today you’d better not have even one Hershey’s kiss tonight because there are no….”

ENOUGH!!!!!

I recognized what was happening and just closed my eyes and did a little Ojai breathing to slow my heart rate and shut my head up.  Even when the hubs said, “I think we’ll have pizza for dinner,” I just kept on breathing.

When I was calm again I consciously began to process what was happening.

First – This is the kind of obsessive thinking that keeps me on this Habitrail hamster wheel of a life.  Whether it’s about chocolate or booze or cleaning or exercising or getting on and off the motherfucking scale, it’s the same damn thing over and over.  I can’t do it anymore.

And yes, I’m fully aware that anyone that goes back through my posts will see I’ve said this at least once before and probably more than that but it’s still true.  It’s the purest definition of insanity.  Repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.

Second – Shit happens.  As I said in a comment today I have to learn to be flexible.  Flexible things bend.  Rigid things break.  I’ve broken many times before – let’s see if I can learn to bend.

Third – I really to have to learn to be kinder to myself.  I entered all my calories into MFP last night (including exactly 10 Hershey’s kisses for dessert) and still came in under 1500 calories.  That is acceptable.

In fact – that’s fucking awesome as far as I’m concerned.

Just sayin’.

Namaste

Befriending Myself

 

 

Thanks to all who commented, encouraged and kicked my ass on Friday.  I truly did not realize how negative I was being which is amazing to me since I’m always the most positive person in the room!  I’m the one that you want to punch in the throat because, no matter what, I can find the good in any situation.

Apparently except when it applies to me…then I go all bad ass on myself.

But I heard what you said and I’ve pulled myself up by my bootstraps and come up with a new plan for these next six weeks.

Food

Clearly I need to be accountable so I will continue to track my calories.  My Fitness Pal really works for me so I will continue to use it.  I will also pledge to track EVERYTHING I eat.  It seems that I sometimes “forget” to enter things and then stand back in wonderment when I haven’t lost any weight or when my pants feel snug.  Not acceptable.  If I bite it, lick it or drink it I will log it.  (I should put that shit on a t-shirt yo…nah…now that I read it again…oh never mind.)

My goal is to stay between 1200-1500 calories a day.  It really is plenty of food for me BUT, if I find I’m hungry I will ask myself, “Could I eat an apple?”  If the answer is no, then I know I’m not hungry.  If the answer is yes…well then I’ll eat a damn apple!  I’m not a big fan of fruit so the “apple test” is one that works for me.

Exercise

As Paige so beautifully pointed out in the comments on Friday, I love my treadmill.  I really, really do.  I’m going to get on it every day except Saturday and Sunday unless the weather is ugly.  Here’s how…

  • Increase my daily steps to 12,000 per day.  I’ve exceeded 10,000 a day for the last 6 weeks so it’s time to up the ante.
  • M-W-F:  Walk at 3.3 mph (I’m at about 3.2 mph walking now so taking it up a little is warranted – I may even play with the incline) for at least 60 minutes or until I hit 12,000 steps.
  • T-Th:  Run on the treadmill using my C25K app.  I’m starting it over now that I have new shoes and after the 30 minute run I’ll continue by walking until I’ve hit 60 minutes or 12,000 steps.
  • Saturday:  Run outside with my second c25K app and the dogs (adds a bit of drama to the run).  I’m not worried about speed as much as I am endurance.
  • Sunday:  Yoga.  I’ve not been very good about “hitting the mat” for a while now.  My subconscious knows it doesn’t burn calories so I tend to shy away.  In addition, I hate the way my body feels in certain poses.  However, yoga is vital to my sanity and well being, so I’m going to do it at least once a week.  If I know me, I’ll be craving it by week two and by week four I’ll have to get up early to do sun salutations before dawn.  Just typing that out loud makes my body relax.

Spirit

The negativity in me has to end.  Several years ago, I was having lunch with a very sweet friend.  She heard me saying something negative about myself and she stopped me and said, “It hurts me when I hear you say things like that.  You should never say anything about yourself that you wouldn’t say to your best friend.  ”

So I’m going to make an effort to be my own best friend for the next six weeks.  That means treating myself with kindness, compassion, forgiveness and love – something I’m not very good at but that I know is essential to the success of this journey to health that I’m on.

Oh, the scale?  Motherfucker is in the trash (metaphorically speaking – hubs wouldn’t let me toss it so I’m putting it in the garage where the men go to play).  It lies and makes me feel bad about myself and I am more than a number.  Period.

As I said to my friend today, this is too important to give up on.

And so…with every fiber of my being I say to you this evening…

Namaste