You know…I had this whole post lined up (in my head of course) about what my boss’ comment did to me and how I was feeling about life and my lack of confidence and a bunch of other shit that just added up to a poor me party. Then I started to get on my own nerves so I stopped thinking about it and moved the hell on.
I’m taking an online class that goes with Brene’ Brown’s book, “The Gift of Imperfection”. It was recommended to me by Viv over at Grief Happens. I’ve been trying to read that damn book since someone else (sorry, I can’t remember who) recommended it to me years ago but I keep getting bored and putting it down. I’m certain that this class is just what I need to get me through the book and, more importantly, provide me with some retention and life tools.
Part of the work in Lesson 1 involved figuring out who in your life are your “go to” people. In whom do you confide when the shit hits the fan and you’re left embarrassed and ashamed. Just anybody can’t be on this list. It has to be someone who will call you on your bullshit (in a compassionate way) and just be there for you…no judgment…just love and connection. Brene’ says that if you have one or two people like this in your life you are very lucky.
As I sat and thought, I realized that my inability to trust has severely limited my connection to people. I mean I knew this but I don’t think I really knew this. It was like a lightening bolt struck me in the middle of the heart when, as I was working, I came to this conclusion. If you had asked before the lesson, I would have said I had lots of people who love and care for me to put on the list…and that is true. But this particular list calls for people you trust to hold your deepest, darkest secrets and still love you anyway. So mine is short – but powerful.
- My husband.
- My stepdaughter.
- My best friend.
These are the people I trust with my heart, my soul, my secrets and my shame. They are my tribe. My true north.
I also added my therapist to the list. I think the reason therapists exist is a lack of these kinds of relationships in our lives. I used to say that people didn’t need therapists if they had a best friend. I was so wrong. Not all besties can be on this list. I have a lot of very close friends who didn’t make the cut. Doesn’t mean they aren’t my friends and that we don’t love each other – it just means I don’t trust them to hold my heart in their hands and not break it…even just a little.
And finally I added this blog. This blog has been and remains privy to everything that is me…warts and all. It holds my secrets, my shame, my feelings, my life. I couldn’t walk away now if I tried. I need to write here like I need to breathe.
So guess what you guys? This blogosphere made the cut too. All of you readers who hold me up and push me forward and call me on my bullshit when required. You are on my list for as long as you choose to read and comment. No judgments – just unconditional support and love.
I guess that makes me very, very lucky.