It’s funny how easily I can go from rah-rah Sherry to shit-for-brains Sherry. I’ve been making a real effort to relax and be a little nicer to myself since my last post. I’m never going to get anywhere on this journey back to healthy by beating myself up – besides…bruised egos are soooo last week!
But it’s a very slippery slope.
Yesterday a series of events had the hubs picking me up late from work which means I didn’t get home until almost 8:00 pm. With everything else that had to get done, that meant I did not get a chance to hit the treadmill.
Which damn near sent me into a panic attack.
As I was in the car on the way home my monkey brain started chattering away at me…
“OMG if you don’t work out you’ll never lose any weight – you’ll have to make this mileage up the rest of the week – Tuesday is supposed to be your running day and OMG you just set the plan in place and now you’re going to go back on it – how many calories have you had today you’d better not have even one Hershey’s kiss tonight because there are no….”
ENOUGH!!!!!
I recognized what was happening and just closed my eyes and did a little Ojai breathing to slow my heart rate and shut my head up. Even when the hubs said, “I think we’ll have pizza for dinner,” I just kept on breathing.
When I was calm again I consciously began to process what was happening.
First – This is the kind of obsessive thinking that keeps me on this Habitrail hamster wheel of a life. Whether it’s about chocolate or booze or cleaning or exercising or getting on and off the motherfucking scale, it’s the same damn thing over and over. I can’t do it anymore.
And yes, I’m fully aware that anyone that goes back through my posts will see I’ve said this at least once before and probably more than that but it’s still true. It’s the purest definition of insanity. Repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.
Second – Shit happens. As I said in a comment today I have to learn to be flexible. Flexible things bend. Rigid things break. I’ve broken many times before – let’s see if I can learn to bend.
Third – I really to have to learn to be kinder to myself. I entered all my calories into MFP last night (including exactly 10 Hershey’s kisses for dessert) and still came in under 1500 calories. That is acceptable.
In fact – that’s fucking awesome as far as I’m concerned.
Just sayin’.
Namaste
Oh for the love of...me 
Yes. Awesome. xox
Yes ma’am.
😉
Big hug
We have the same hamster wheel
I was just discussing mine in therapy today.
It’s all acceptable. Regardless of the numbers, the time, the pizza, the chocolate.
Flexible. Like a reed.
Anne
The beauty of it all is…I’m fine. And this time I really am!
Thanks Anne,
Sherry
Like the idea of flexible so we dont break. I hear you!!!
Hugs
lisa
Even though we heal stronger in the broken places…I’d like to avoid breaking if I can. Bending feels sooooo much better.
Hugs Lisa,
Sherry
Hershey kisses are only 10 calories a piece. I have the hamster wheel also, hence the reason I do not sleep well. I am getting better at shutting it down. WAY better than when I drank, but it is a work in progress. The good thing about your post is you have now crossed over into the exercise zone. It makes the workouts more fun and easier to do, especially when you want to.
I remember very well what it was like to crave exercise like I crave chocolate. I tried doing it the old way but group classes bore me now. That’s why I’m soooooo in love with this treadmill. I can’t wait to get on it in the evening – I love having that feeling again.
And yes ma’am, Hershey kisses only have 10 calories each and 10 kisses is a good 100 calorie snack when you want chocolate. An apple works too but not if what you want is chocolate!
You rock – thanks for the encouragement…
Sherry
Flexible, self love, self kindness, breathing – basic tools for a good life. Go you.
Exactly!
Sherry
Great job on all your hard work!
Thanks!!!
Sherry
I get tired of my wheel too!
I’m already worried about not getting in my exercise 2 days in a row.
Yikes!
But I too, am learning to be flexible!
(Except in my yoga practice. Ha!)
Hugs,
Wendy
I so hear you!!!!
Sherry
I do the same thing! I obsess and obsess until I finally have to tell my brain to shut the hell up already….and then I go eat some Swedish Fish candy and smile. A little treat now and then is fine. 🙂
I know…I just have to know when to keep it to a “little” treat. 😉
Thanks,
Sherry
Right?? I can down a whole bag of Swedish Fish if I’m particularly agitated. 😉
Alright, this is the post I have been looking for!
I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you that I can relate quite well to this type of thinking. Sadly, I am a step or two behind you in that I have not yet stopped myself and turned it around. In terms of dieting that means: get crazed, convince myself I will never lose, then fall back into unhealthy habits. I am slowly pulling myself out again, but I let a whole week go by of this nonsense. Sigh.
So although I cannot offer any helpful advice, I can thank you for sharing this story, as it makes me realize that I am not alone and batshit crazy (or at least I am not alone in being batshit crazy), and it gives me hope that I can break through this negative thought process.
And I still hate your boss, by the way.
Some days I hate her too! Most days…I love her. She’s broken and doesn’t even know it. Those people I try to approach with compassion…mostly LOL.
You are sooooo not alone in the batshit crazy world. I’m considering running for mayor.
Just remember we’re only an email or text away from supporting each other. We can do this!!! We HAVE to do this!!! Just think WHEN we’re successful I can jam it up my boss’ ass!
You, baby, are awesome!!! Luv u