It’s funny how easily I can go from rah-rah Sherry to shit-for-brains Sherry. I’ve been making a real effort to relax and be a little nicer to myself since my last post. I’m never going to get anywhere on this journey back to healthy by beating myself up – besides…bruised egos are soooo last week!
But it’s a very slippery slope.
Yesterday a series of events had the hubs picking me up late from work which means I didn’t get home until almost 8:00 pm. With everything else that had to get done, that meant I did not get a chance to hit the treadmill.
Which damn near sent me into a panic attack.
As I was in the car on the way home my monkey brain started chattering away at me…
“OMG if you don’t work out you’ll never lose any weight – you’ll have to make this mileage up the rest of the week – Tuesday is supposed to be your running day and OMG you just set the plan in place and now you’re going to go back on it – how many calories have you had today you’d better not have even one Hershey’s kiss tonight because there are no….”
I recognized what was happening and just closed my eyes and did a little Ojai breathing to slow my heart rate and shut my head up. Even when the hubs said, “I think we’ll have pizza for dinner,” I just kept on breathing.
When I was calm again I consciously began to process what was happening.
First – This is the kind of obsessive thinking that keeps me on this Habitrail hamster wheel of a life. Whether it’s about chocolate or booze or cleaning or exercising or getting on and off the motherfucking scale, it’s the same damn thing over and over. I can’t do it anymore.
And yes, I’m fully aware that anyone that goes back through my posts will see I’ve said this at least once before and probably more than that but it’s still true. It’s the purest definition of insanity. Repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.
Second – Shit happens. As I said in a comment today I have to learn to be flexible. Flexible things bend. Rigid things break. I’ve broken many times before – let’s see if I can learn to bend.
Third – I really to have to learn to be kinder to myself. I entered all my calories into MFP last night (including exactly 10 Hershey’s kisses for dessert) and still came in under 1500 calories. That is acceptable.
In fact – that’s fucking awesome as far as I’m concerned.