Why I Hate “Weather”

We had some “weather” last night in my neck of the woods.  When I moved south from the Mid-Atlantic region of the U.S., I assumed winters would be milder.  For the most part they are…but that only means that when we do get “weather” (in this case sleet and ice) it’s a real pain in the ass.

I hate snow/ice primarily because…well…I’m an adult.  I have adult responsibilities.  Gone are the days of wearing my p.j.’s inside out and praying, with my little girl hands clasped tightly, for a snow day.  Now I wear them inside out, clasp my old lady hands gently (you know…in case of arthritis) and pray, “Dear Lord…no fucking snow please.”  Plus, I hate being wet/cold, I can’t sled, or ice skate or play “whip”.  I fall down now.  I might break a hip or something.

Part of those adult responsibilities include a daily trip to the grocery store to pick up odds and ends…that is, until a weather station 100 miles away decides to whisper the word “snow”.  Upon the utterance of that one syllable, four letter word, all manner of man, woman and child are called to the nearest grocery store like small children are called from other rooms when the Teletubbies theme song is played (that baby in the sun is creepy).  They enter, glassy eyed and begin to methodically load their carts with bread, milk, toilet paper and Campbell’s Soup.  The fact is that one-third of those individuals are lactose intolerant and don’t even drink milk, one third forgot that they made a trip to Cosco last weekend and now have enough toilet paper to make it til the “end of days” and the final third have high blood pressure and never eat Campbell’s Soup because of the sodium content.  All will awake from their trance two days from now wondering where in the hell all that Wonder Bread and 2% milk came from.

People please, we live in a country where most could survive weeks on what is in their pantry right now!  It may not be what you want but you’ll live.  In fact, most of us in this country could stand to lose a few pounds so this may be a great time to start that diet.  Go home and let those of us who really need the necessities get in and out before midnight.  Let’s face it, there are only a few real necessities anyway…toilet paper, feminine hygiene products and baby formula/food…and maybe chocolate depending on the need for those feminine hygiene items.  Everything else we can do without for the few hours it will take to clear the roads and dig us out of the 1/2″ of snow, sleet or ice that fell.

Finally, for the love of all that is holy, stay off the roads!!!!  I live in a transplant area.  That means no one is actually from here.  So…if you are from Boston we all know that you know how to drive in “weather”, there is no need to tailgate the old lady from Florida who’s never seen snow and is driving 8 MPH on the interstate.  Get off your cell phone where you are bitching to your friends in the northeast about the drivers in the south and go around her!  Not at 60 mph where the draft from your vehicle will send her into a spin and over the guardrail but at a safe speed and distance so that all of you idiots who think you are indispensable to your jobs can arrive safely.

Newsflash…you’re not that important…trust me.

Newsflash…people from Florida…snow is not a colder form of the petals that are shed from Bradford Pear trees.  It’s treacherous and can be deadly when driven on incorrectly.  Stay the hell home.

Newsflash…Bostonians…even you can’t drive safely on ice.  Stay the hell home.



15 thoughts on “Why I Hate “Weather”

  1. I am a Bostonian, and have not ventured out onto the icy roads that are now everywhere in East Tennessee. Not because I can’t drive in this weather, I can, it is everyone else I am afraid of, those old ladies from Florida especially.
    Having lived through some of the worst snowfall years in Massachusetts, I have yet to understand the bread and milk phenomenon that a snowstorm brings. Does everyone suddenly crave French toast? How come no one ever seems to already HAVE bread and milk? How come the news never shows the liquor stores? That is where I always went, fuck the food, I couldn’t live without the wine!
    Funny post!

  2. I know what you mean! I am a mid-western transplant to the suburban Atlanta area. I would posit, however, that there is a far more dangerous driver than the overly-cautious old lady from FL. It’s the over-confident transplant from the north who scoffs at the slowpokes driving on the ice…that is until their car slides off the road into the ditch. Big difference between icy roads here and the slushy/icy TREATED roads back home. I agree. Stay the fuck home if you can!

  3. Aahhh… It’s going to be 72 and sunny today in my neck of the woods. And yes, I’m in the Northern Hemisphere where it’s still technically winter. Think I’ll walk around wearing shorts and flip-flops… 🙂

  4. Too funny! I am in North Carolina and believe me, everyone here is a transplant. Yesterday they called for 1/4″ maybe of ice. Walmart sold out of bread and milk. Our company closed, I had no wine in the house, stayed home all day playing with dog and cooking. Fun day! Loved, loved your post!

    1. I’m here in NC as well…right outside of Charlotte. We got ice and didn’t even stop at the store on the way home because WE COULDN’T GET IN THE PARKING LOT.

      In. Sane.


    1. Nothing wrong with knowing how to drive in this stuff – you just have to be aware of others on the road and it seems that those from the two extremes have no clue they are sharing the space with anyone else!

      Cracks me up every year.


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