Like Walking Into a Hurricane

 

Photo courtesy of Huffington Post
Photo courtesy of Huffington Post

I’m off to the therapist this afternoon.  I did some of my homework but had to stop after a while.  It was just getting to be a little too much.  The more I thought about it and wrote, the more confused I got about memories and what happened when and to whom.  I started feeling things about places and times that I can’t be sure are real.  I had to shake my head to clear the cobwebs and just walk away.

When I wrote my letters for my 4th step I felt cleansed after I finished.  It was cathartic.  I cried.  I raged.  I wrote.  But then, I was done and I truly, truly let it go.  I was hoping that this would be the same experience.

Not. Even. Close.

This is like walking through tar – all sticky and thick.  It feels much heavier and I want to give up about a hundred times an hour.  Shut that door and lock it for good.  Protect my heart.  It feels like I’m walking into a hurricane head on…and no matter how hard I push, something keeps pushing against me saying “Stay back!  Turn Around!  Danger!”.  I know it’s just my psyche trying to stuff shit down again but damn…I’m strong.

I know have to get through the hurricane in order to see the sun again and this feels like a big one.  One that levels shit and leave nothing but destruction in its path.  This motherfucker feels like Katrina.

For now the emotional part has been…well…meh.  Not intentionally.  I just haven’t had any really strong feelings about anything yet.  It’s like I’m muted.  Muffled.  Well except for anxiety and adrenaline.  Every time I “go there” my heart beats faster and I feel a little like I can’t breathe.  Like I’m in a crisis and I don’t have time to stop and deal with stupid emotions.  I have stuff to do and until it’s done I can’t stop to process feelings.  How on earth will anything get done if I do that?

Yeah…I know.

Part of the problem is that I have no idea what I’m doing here.  I’m a planner.  I’m a Project Manager for christ’s sake…it’s what I DO.  But there’s no plan for something like this.  No instruction manual.  No one to tell me if I’m doing it “right”…because there is no “right”.  It just IS and apparently I have to deal with it or I’ll just keep trading addictions out like they’re playing cards.

Namaste

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you to give you hope and a future.        ~Jeremiah 29:11

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11 thoughts on “Like Walking Into a Hurricane

  1. my heart goes out to you. Louise Hay says feelings like that are a sure indicator that you are where you are meant to be dealing with something that clearly needs to be dealt with, that you are working on the right thing. So keep going, you are doing great.

  2. Hey, I’m with you. Give me parameters in which to excel and I’ll excel. Your assignment right now, your parameters for excellence, is to write the story of what happened, as best you can remember. That’s it. That’s how you earn your A+.

    So what if you DID just grit your teeth, write those stories, ignore the feelings, and get it all done?

    Think of this as a rough draft. If your kid was writing a paper for school, would you want him agonizing and procrastinating over the rough draft? Or would you want him to just get his thoughts out there and revise/edit later?

    You’ll have plenty of time to feel the feelings about your homework when you talk it over with your therapist, but that can only happen once you get the homework done. 🙂

    http://www.parkinglotpushups.wordpress.com

    1. This is brilliant…mainly because that is how I would have responded to my post had it been written by someone else.

      It’s also exactly what I needed to hear. Bless you.

      Sherry

  3. It is an emotional storm that pushes and shoves and turns you around….it’s hard to find direction and see clearly where you are headed and the course you follow is sorta made up as you go…but all storms end and the light of the sun shines the clear path ahead of you….it does, however, require that you continue the journey….I love you, baby…know that I am here for you through it all…

  4. I don’t know how this post got by me. I just finished reading a book by Barbara Brown Taylor called Learning to Walk in the Dark. I wish I had this book when I was doing my “homework” and confronting my sexual abuse. I think it would’ve helped to examine why I was afraid and what exactly I was afraid of. The physical sensations that go along with memories can make us believe that we’re in physical danger and I still get physical memories from time to time. Sometimes the simple question, “What am I afraid will happen if I remember? What will happen to me?” was enough to ease the feeling that I couldn’t breathe. Also, it helped to observe my feelings and sensations without judgment. What does it feel like when my heart beats faster? What other sensations go along with it? What do I think of myself when I feel this way? What does this feeling make me want to do? What happens if I drink a cold glass of water?

    I’m inspired by you, Sherry. If you ever want to chat by email, I’m here. karen@mendedmusings.com.

    1. You have no idea how much I appreciate you taking the time to say these things and offer your support. I think of you often when I’m “working” on this. I think…”Karen is such a wonderful person and she’s been through the fire and flames of this. I’m going to be okay.”

      You inspire me my friend. I’m adding your email to my contacts. Thank you.

      Sherry

  5. I feel like I’m repeating myself (which is what happens when you comment on three different posts by the same author), but, if nothing else, you are inspiring me, Sherry. And of course, it’s not going to be nothing else… you will get through this, and I am betting through it and done with it, rather than skirting around it as you (presumably) have been doing up to this point.

    I say inspiring because I feel like I will be on a similar journey soon, and I know, in advance, that I will feel that same way…. feeling my way in the dark with no real sense where the end is. In other words, the worst feeling on earth.

    So thanks for sharing this, and I hope you continue to do so, piece by piece, to help the rest of us as well!

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