I’m off to the therapist this afternoon. I did some of my homework but had to stop after a while. It was just getting to be a little too much. The more I thought about it and wrote, the more confused I got about memories and what happened when and to whom. I started feeling things about places and times that I can’t be sure are real. I had to shake my head to clear the cobwebs and just walk away.
When I wrote my letters for my 4th step I felt cleansed after I finished. It was cathartic. I cried. I raged. I wrote. But then, I was done and I truly, truly let it go. I was hoping that this would be the same experience.
Not. Even. Close.
This is like walking through tar – all sticky and thick. It feels much heavier and I want to give up about a hundred times an hour. Shut that door and lock it for good. Protect my heart. It feels like I’m walking into a hurricane head on…and no matter how hard I push, something keeps pushing against me saying “Stay back! Turn Around! Danger!”. I know it’s just my psyche trying to stuff shit down again but damn…I’m strong.
I know have to get through the hurricane in order to see the sun again and this feels like a big one. One that levels shit and leave nothing but destruction in its path. This motherfucker feels like Katrina.
For now the emotional part has been…well…meh. Not intentionally. I just haven’t had any really strong feelings about anything yet. It’s like I’m muted. Muffled. Well except for anxiety and adrenaline. Every time I “go there” my heart beats faster and I feel a little like I can’t breathe. Like I’m in a crisis and I don’t have time to stop and deal with stupid emotions. I have stuff to do and until it’s done I can’t stop to process feelings. How on earth will anything get done if I do that?
Part of the problem is that I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’m a planner. I’m a Project Manager for christ’s sake…it’s what I DO. But there’s no plan for something like this. No instruction manual. No one to tell me if I’m doing it “right”…because there is no “right”. It just IS and apparently I have to deal with it or I’ll just keep trading addictions out like they’re playing cards.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11