I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for my six month checkup. I had made a list of things I wanted to tell him because I swear, every time I go to a doctor’s appointment all my symptoms disappear and I forget to tell them what I wanted to tell them! He was pretty shocked when I told him that at the end of the summer I realized I had been in a fairly deep depression since before Christmas 2012. Almost as shocked as I was when I figured it out.
I explained that because this time the symptoms were different, it wasn’t as readily apparent to me. Rather than crying all the time and feeling like I was in a black hole, I was projecting my own feelings on others and deflecting blame to everyone else for my own mood. (I know…even writing that seems insane…now.) I was in a funk that eventually led to crying jags before eventually subsiding…somewhat.
Now I’m beginning to see it happening again. I’m having anxiety and my “disaster thoughts” where I’m sure something awful is just around the corner and I start to visualize things like funerals in very specific detail. With prayer I’m able to shut it down but really, why in the hell would I suffer through shit like that when I know it’s the chemicals and signals in my brain causing it? Further, why would I suffer through shit like that when I know there are things that can be done namely, therapy and a change in my meds.
Fortunately, the doc agreed. I love this guy.
As the hubs was driving me to work (Lord I will be happy when we’re able to get another car), I looked over at him and thought…I wonder what it’s like to be normal? So I asked him, stopping short of adding, “…and what’s it like to be married to a woman who’s not?”
His first response was the standard, “What’s normal? No one is really normal. We all have our quirks.”
So I clarified, “I mean what is it like to have a brain that doesn’t lie to you?”
He really didn’t have an answer for that.
It’s not that I’m complaining because there are LOTS of things that could be wrong with me that are WAY worse than a brain that lies. Especially since I think I’ve got a handle on the brain God gave me and, with the exception of a few loose wires, it works pretty darn well and I am very thankful for that.
But I do wonder sometimes…what would life be like with a brain that told the truth? Hmmmm….just like getting to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.