I just caught sight of what people are putting into Google this week that brings them to my blog. The number one search?
please god help me quit drinking
When I first started blogging in 2012 and I was setting up my tags (can’t remember what Blogger called them), I made sure that these six words, in that order, were in there. I knew I’d get to people this way because this is what I always put into Google when I was desperately seeking an answer into why in the hell I drank so much. It was part search tool and mostly prayer.
please god help me quit drinking
Now when I see it pop up it makes my heart hurt because I can feel, way down deep in my soul, exactly what those people typing out there in internet land are feeling. I know the anguish and the pain. The inability to see your way around what feels like a 2,000 pound boulder. The humiliation and shame of whatever you did to make you type those words. The worry about what you’re doing to your children. The fear of what you’re doing to your body. The terror of being “found out” and all your lies exposed. The hopelessness of feeling like this will only end when you die.
The wish to make that happen as quickly as possible.
Or maybe you’re not there…yet. Maybe you’re just beginning to question why you don’t seem to want to quit drinking when everyone else does. You’re wondering why, even though you probably haven’t admitted it to yourself, you think about drinking almost all the time. Why there’s a sense of panic when you realize that you don’t have enough wine to get you through the weekend and they’re calling for snow. You’re wondering if your kids know why you won’t let them go to their friend’s house after a certain time of night or only if they are going to spend the night…you wonder if they know it’s because you don’t want to worry about driving after “wine o’clock”. You wonder if the parents of the soccer or little league or dance team can smell it on your breath or seeping out of your pores on a hot day.
You’ve promised yourself time and time again that you’ll quit only to feel the pull, hear the nagging thoughts and stop at the store on the way home to pick up some booze. Just this one you say…then one turns into two which turns into a bottle and then…
Well…you know the rest.
Guess what? You don’t have to die. You don’t have to feel this way any longer. There is an answer but it means you’ll have to get dirty. It’s not easy. In fact it’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It will take commitment. It will take guts. It will take rigorous honesty not only to other people but to yourself. You will be left stripped bare and raw. You won’t know who you are or why you started this goddamned journey in the first place. You’ll hate me and all of us out here telling you “You can do this! You’re doing great! It’s soooo worth it!”
In fact, your desire to kill every recovering alcoholic on the planet will only be surpassed by your desire to kill every normal drinking person in the galaxy.
Because IT’S NOT FAIR!
It’s not fair that you can’t drink like a normal person!!!! It’s just not fair!
So what. Grow up. Life’s not fair. It’s just life. On its own terms. It doesn’t come with an owner’s manual and even if it did it wouldn’t matter because you’re not in control.
But if you can manage 24 and then 48 and maybe even 72 hours, you’ll begin to see how good life can be without alcohol. You’ll see, probably for the first time in your life, the full and complete meaning of the word JOY or GLORIOUS. You’ll catch a glimpse of sunlight in the darkness that leads to love and peace of mind. That leads to family and forgiveness and new beginnings.
That leads to hope.
It’s up to you whether or not you walk toward the light or stay in the darkness. Just know that if you do, we’re all out here to love you through it.