Lies I Tell Myself

I’m going to post this on both blogs so if you read it here…don’t feel like you have to read it there too.  Just sayin’.

I’m there.  “Where,” you ask?  Why right here!  Here in the land of “oh fuck what have I done”?  Smack dab in the middle of “why did I make this stupid resolution”.  Square on the corner of “who did I tell about this” and “how can I get out of this”.

Yes…you know exactly where I am don’t you?  Because you’ve probably been by this way a time or three in your life.

And…if you made a resolution to quit drinking, smoking or eating, it’s likely that you’re hanging out here right now.

I got up this morning with a migraine that I’ve been fighting all day.  I find this incredibly unfair since I didn’t even have the booze that usually precedes a headache like this.  In spite of that, we got all the decorations down and put away.  Yay!  But I didn’t work out and I haven’t eaten very well today.  I haven’t eaten anything particularly unhealthy, I just forgot to have a proper meal until I sat down to dinner to eat the chili I made (which is both healthy and low calorie).  I also made and ate some cornbread which is NOT particularly healthy but is excellent comfort food (read…high calorie and high fat).

As I was feeling sorry for myself today (did I mention the headache?) that old familiar tune began to play in my head (which, aside from the obvious reasons, I could have really done without thank you very much).  I’m sure you’re as familiar with this one as you were with the location of our post today.  Here…I’ll hum a few bars – see if you can name that tune…

  • “I’m FINE…I don’t need to (start my diet/quit drinking/quit smoking).”
  • “After all, I only (eat/drink/smoke) <insert number between 1 and a gazillion> (calories/glasses/packs) a day!”
  • “And anyway, so and so (eats/drinks/smokes) WAY more than I do and (she’s/he’s) not (overweight/an alcoholic/addicted to cigarettes).”
  • “I can (quit/start my diet) anytime, why today?  I’ll do it tomorrow.  Or Monday.  Or next week.”
  • “I mean really, why can’t I just be accepted for who I am just the way I am?”

Let’s get one thing straight right here and now…THIS IS THE BIGGEST LOAD OF BULLSHIT TO EVER HAVE BEEN SHAT!  Come on people!  We KNOW that these are just some of the lies our (addiction/brain/hormones) tell us when we are faced with something HARD.  So what?  How many more times are we going to believe this load of crap before we get our heads out of our asses and do what we KNOW is right?

I don’t know about you, but for the third time in my life I’m going to tell those lies I’m currently telling myself to go fuck themselves, leave me alone and let me get on with my healthier badass self because I’m sick to death of living in this plus size body and carrying around all this freeloading fat.  It doesn’t work, doesn’t produce anything except plaque in my arteries and fat in my blood, sticks to my ass and makes me look like there should be a sign from my waist that announces “wide load” and makes me imagine an alarm that goes “beep…beep…beep” every time I back up.

So take your motherfucking, lying ass out of my head.  You’ve been evicted.  Go find my lies about drinking and smoking, I’m sure they’ll make room for you.

Namaste

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7 thoughts on “Lies I Tell Myself

  1. I like your thoughts. Putting off what is honestly good for us is never helpful. Those problems don’t just go away!
    Plan your meals, eat slowly amd mindfully and never eat in the car.
    Those small changes are huge.
    Anne

  2. You have such a direct and humorous style! I’m on Day 2 off the booze after a 1+ year relapse, and spent most of yesterday listening to those lies, but I successfully shooed them out of my head and today I already feel much better and stronger. I’ve lurked on your blog since I got sober the first time in early 2011 and I’ve watched all the progress you’ve made – you’ll conquer this one and become your ultimate bad-ass self in 2015:)! I’ll be cheering for you and raising a little Pellegrino bubbles to toast you.

    Hugs,

    SR

    1. This makes me so happy for so many reasons! First, that you’ve come back to sobriety!!! Day two is amazing! Congratulations and welcome home.

      It also makes me really happy to know you’ve been out there so long AND that you have confidence in me. It means a lot (as you know) especially in the beginning.

      Thanks!
      Sherry

  3. That migraine’s timing is unfair. Sorry about that. My thinking about eating was similar to drinking in terms of the lies I told myself, I can relate. I would eat “alcoholically”. For example, I would be coming from work to eat dinner with the family but stop and get a fast food combo, then go home to have a second meal. Then I would lie later and say I was going to the gym, but go get ice cream….so binges, lies, secrecy, etc. Tomorrow will be different.

    I never got a drunk driving for over eating and it was less dangerous short term, but in the end both being drunk or after binge eating, I had the same agony in the end.

    I heard on the bubble hour pod cast a new phrase I like – “Begin where you are!”.

    1. I think one of the reasons I decided to put it all out here on this blog is to keep me from reaching that “alcoholic eating”. I can see the signs and I just don’t want to go there…you know?

      Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment and encouraging me!

      Sherry

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