The Appointment

Had my first appointment with the therapist today.  I’m not sure how many of my future posts will be about our visits together since many of my friends read my blog AND I gave him the link (I mean seriously…what better way to get inside my head than to read what’s I’ve removed) but I’m going to go through a little bit of my first visit because I think it’s important and I just plain want to do it.  So there!

First of all, I like him.  From the moment he said hello I liked his energy.  He’s young and interested and seems open.  All therapists listen but he seemed to be listening “more” somehow.  He made and maintained direct eye contact – I freaking love that.  He said things like “core work” which I took to mean he wasn’t treating me like a transaction.  He was willing to put in the effort it will take to make me okay.

And I have a feeling it might take quite a bit of work.

I told him at first that my primary goal was to learn to love myself.  Later I said I’d settle for like.  Then it dawned on me that I’d just like to be introduced to myself and maybe start up a relationship.  Like any good relationship I want to take this slow and really get to know myself.  Then I can decide whether I’m the kind of person I like and maybe one day even love.

That last paragraph sounds a little wacky but I suspect some of you know what I mean.

The funny thing was I could actually feel and identify some of the emotions I was having while speaking with him.  That’s new.  I mean that’s really new.  Like the last couple of months new.  So it was good that I could share it with him in the moment and get some positive reinforcement that it was normal to feel things and be able to identify them.

Okay…that paragraph might be even weirder than the first.  Sigh…

Anyway, I have homework and I’m excited about it.

There…that was a normal paragraph.  Well…except for the fact that I have never, in my whole entire life, been excited about homework.  But I digress…

I told him about my other therapy experiences.  About the woman who asked me what I thought I did to deserve my husband.  (Really?  WTF?)  And about how I just stuffed down the feeling I had when she said that, smiled sweetly, left her office and never returned.

Or the guy who saw me for a few weeks, pronounced me cured and sent me home.  He did teach me that I should cry more often but cured?  Uh…no.

Or the addiction specialist who, when he got too close or touched a nerve, I bolted and never returned.  Oh…and then I relapsed but you all know about that already.

What’s different about this experience?  It’s really very simple.

This time I’M ready.  I’m ready to listen and put in the work and figure out why I can’t like me just the way I am.  To pick at scabs until the wounds heal properly.  To uncover rocks, scrape all the goo away, hose it down and really look at the potential gem that lies beneath.

They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  Maybe this is it maybe it’s not.  But I’m not giving up this time.


5 thoughts on “The Appointment

  1. Well, this is my first time really posting. I’ve been sitting back here reading all of the comments, afraid to comment myself. Guess what I did, I had a year sober until last year in October when I had family over and they drank. I had a beer. No biggie, or so I thought. Before I knew it I was sipping wine, and before I knew it even when they left I’d gone back to my ‘normal’ bottle of wine every weekend. At first I felt terribly guilty but the more I drank the more the guilt left. Mind you I’m also a strong faith person, and believe God has a part in my sobriety. I felt I’d let Him down to but by the time I really thought about it-too late. I didn’t drink every weekend anymore, so it’s not that bad, I thought. But I did find myself on an occasional Saturday night making an excuse to have a ‘cocktail’. This went on until last weekend. Family came to town was tequila, margaritas-you name it Before I knew it I’d consumed 5 bottles of wine within a 3 day period. When I finally stopped because I HAD to go to work..could not miss another day (I’d already missed Monday and Tuesday) I thought I was going to die. I didn’t have severe withdrawals but they were bad enough to scare me into a full blown panic. I went out and Got St.Johns wort( I take them for anxiety even when I’m not drinking-they’ve seemed to help with the cravings and all too, but I stop taking them off and on). I tapered down with some Apple ale which has about 5% alcohol. I had two cans. I still felt dehydrated and decided that I would just drink orange juice, water, and eat small bites. After 5 days I finally feel normal again. I don’t know what God was doing, or why He allowed me to ‘play ‘ with myself for a year and then scare me to death. I thought I was going to die-that’s how bad I felt.-and I wanted to. Maybe it was a combination of the withdrawal and guilt. But I am done playing Russian Roulette with my life. No matter how much of a sip-how big or how small-it leads to full blown binges for me. That’s the problem-I was never a daily drinker-I binged and that’s even worse. I surrender. I can’t play with this thing anymore. I had to share, had to get it out. 5 days completely clean. I like this feeling.

    1. I’m so glad you’ve been able to come to this decision. I was the same way – I could stay away for long periods of time but when I did drink…it was all or nothing. The biggest thing for me was how much I THOUGHT about drinking when I wasn’t drinking! The rationalizations, the excuses etc. It consumed my thoughts all the time.

      And that’s one of the best things about being sober (along with no hangovers and good sleep)…peace of mind. Silence between my ears. Heaven.

      Congrats on five days!!! That’s fantastic. thanks for stopping by to comment also. Feel free to comment anytime or drop me (or any of the other bloggers out here) an email. You don’t have to do this alone. We’ve all been or will be where you are and there is strength in numbers.


  2. I am so happy you found someone who you feel like you have really connected with. Good for you! It takes a lot of courage to head off into therapy…..yay you my brave soul sister. ❤

  3. Your post really resonated with me. I can totally relate to stuffing down feelings and not being aware of who I really am. Five days is GREAT! I have yet to take the plunge. I’m reading many sober blogs and doing some EFT tapping around uncovering my feelings, etc. My time is fast approaching.

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