Weekend Thoughts

Lots of thoughts this weekend about drinking.  Before you get your panties in a wad or your boxers in a bunch, I’ll explain.

These weren’t the normal pangs (or is it pings) that knock me for a loop and scare the shit out of me.  These were thoughts about why I drank, what I missed and how I was going to battle this bout of depression without it.  Processing thoughts.  Analytical thoughts.  Thoughts that kept me mostly in my head this weekend instead of being present in the world.

Hmmm…I haven’t decided whether that’s good or bad.  For now it just is.

I noticed a lot of silence and deep sighing went on while driving in the car with the hubs.  Very unusual.  Usually I’m talking his ear off about one thing or another and since we’re rarely completely alone, it’s often in the car that we connect.

Not this weekend.

I thought about how lovely a glass of wine used to feel…about how it was an escape…about how I used to float away and be happy…for the first glass anyway.   I also thought about how odd it was that I NEVER (and I do mean EVER) thought about drinking as an escape.  How could a woman so seemingly aware of her own mind NOT consider things like drinking, smoking or eating an escape?  Or even a coping mechanism?  What in the name of all that is holy is THAT all about?

Denial’s not just a river in Egypt people.

I never thought about it because I really and truly believed I had my shit together.  I was successful, a good mom, a good wife, a decent cook, a not too patient but still good daughter and part of that persona was that I, like every other woman on the planet it seemed, loved my glass of wine in the evening.  I mean, wine with the other mommies was a thing.  Wine with colleagues on a business trip was a thing.  Wine on date night was a thing.  Wine was a thing!

But of course then it became so much more.  I remember thinking to myself, “This can’t be right.  I think I must have a problem because once I’ve started I just can’t stop.  I need to put more controls in place.  I mean seriously?  I am the Queen of Control!  I can do this!”  Except that it stopped working.  Moderation wasn’t an option and stopping, even for a 24 hours, just wasn’t happening.

I had crossed over from occasional binges to problem drinking to full-blown alcoholic.

And it never occurred to me that I was using alcohol to escape?!  I just figured I inherited alcoholism like my green eyes and slow metabolism.  Get sober and everything will work out.  Get sober and get skinny like I used to be (but of course didn’t know it) and that will fix everything.  Get sober and I’ll be a better mom (okay – that one is true).  Get sober and all my problems will magically float away on a big pink cloud.

Uhhhhh…not so much.

Even after getting sober, even after going through the steps with a sponsor, even after blogging myself stupid, I’m still battling the same damn demons that sent me running for the smokes/bottle/chocolate in the first place.  Dude…that is fucked up!

Yep.

Let’s take a look at an example shall we?  I started this redecorating thing in the spring, I think, as a way to make me happy.  At that point I didn’t realize that I wasn’t happy and I certainly hadn’t figured out that I was depressed.  In fact, I’ve had two touch point visits with my shrink where my response to his questions were all, “I’m fine!”  When clearly I wasn’t but since I didn’t know it – I couldn’t tell him.  Are you following?  Good cause I’m confused.

Anyway…

I truly LOVE the way the house turned out.  It’s beautiful and just what I dreamed it could be.  Time for a gut check.

Nope.  Still depressed.

I know!  I do another Whole30!  Yep.  If I can get skinny again surely that will solve everything!

Except that everytime I get going on one of these things I self-sabotage and end up back where I started.  As soon as I’m having some success, I end it and fall deeper into the pit.

I’m no therapist but even I know that means there’s a lot more going on here than a few extra pounds and some tired ass paint colors.

I’ve been reading back over some of my old posts and what jumps out at me clearly is the roller coaster of emotions.  I know this is normal for anyone AND I know that it’s especially normal for someone in recovery.  I’m just really, really tired of this particular carnival and I’d really, really like to move on now thank you very much check please and someone call me a taxi because I actually thought this weekend, “You know, a glass of wine would make this all go away for a little while.”

Okay, I lied.  That one really did scare me.

More work to do on me.  I think that’s going to be my new mantra.

Namaste

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16 thoughts on “Weekend Thoughts

  1. It’s helpful to read this because last week I really struggled with a roller coaster low and sudden thought of ‘why bother’. I hadn’t even realized anything was wrong, though in retrospect I was lacking sleep and eating junk and feeling job stress. I felt better after opening up to someone and eating better (sleep is still spotty at best). I decided to give myself a break in some key areas, and that helped too. I still don’t often seem to want to know what I’m feeling. I certainly had no idea I was numbing when I drank. I just didn’t see it that way and it took not drinking for awhile to get that. It’s cool how gradual this process is and how things are slowly revealed. I love that about sobriety.

    1. Me too. I’m still dumbfounded that I didn’t realize I was using alcohol as a crutch. I really didn’t think about it that way! Weird.

      Take care and let all that crap out of your head…you know that’s a dangerous neighborhood! Hope you’re sleeping better soon too.

      Sherry

  2. Oh sherry, it’s all so much isn’t it. Just hang in there, be still….it will all unravel itself in the time it’s meant to. It’s hard to be patient though.

    1. Ooooo yes! I forgot about that! I am a Mother Fucking Sober Ninja Lady aren’t I? Got to remember to tell my therapist to watch the hell out! LOL.

      Thank you Sharon. Thank you for the smile and for calling me wise…now THAT is funny!

      😉

      Sherry

  3. You are so wise and open.. but still I just want to wrap you up in my arms and give you a big squishy hug. My lovely lovely Sherry.. oh how I wish for you the best most magical peace and contentment the world can give. I trust that you’ll nut this out.. but I get that it’s so hard sometimes. Have you listened to Tara lately? It’s our minds that play against us, quietening it down and staying in the moment is what works for me when I’m starting to freak out (which definitely happens way more often now I’m sober) and Tara Brach quite simply helps me do that. xxxxx Sending big love xxxxx

    1. You know? I have not listened to Tara in a while now. I think you may have hit on something my friend. I shall pull up my pod casts this evening.

      I’ll find my peace and contentment I promise.

      Big love right back to you –
      Sherry

  4. I am continually drawn back to your journey because the way you approach and think through each new turn in the road gives me pause. It causes me to stop and consider my life in a way that I never would have before and identify stuff that has been swirling round in my head never jelling into anything tangible. Just like a bit of a smack upside the head really and I definitely need that every now and then 🙂

    1. We all need that smack upside the head from time to time. Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot.

      My approach is to put on “paper” exactly what is going on in my wee little brain. Seems that once it’s out there it doesn’t bother me quite as much and I’m able to sort through the issues better. I’m just really, really glad that from time to time it helps someone else!

      Sherry

  5. I’ll be honest – I should probably post about this but I feel low a bit at the moment – all that work on the course for the exam and now… now… we get the summer off… but… like… err… is that it? So bloody demanding aren’t I?

    Internal happiness is my quest – the external will never fix me … so I don’t weigh myself, I probably should etc. I try not to get worked up about stuff that is … only stuff. Yes I want the house, garden to look nice, I want to have stuff working I own etc. but I try to not let it dominate me… continually work in progress!

    1. It’s funny how big the let down can be after going through something like your course. Okay…maybe it’s not funny per se…maybe just odd?

      Anyway you are so right about the internal happiness. That’s my goal. To get THERE.

      Sherry

  6. I completely relate. For me, it all comes down to this: “When will I let Love win?” My screwed ups side can talk and share and be low all it wants, but I absolutely have to let Love win. … It’s the only thing that brings me back to center. I am 10+ years sober and I still have these days. “More work to do on me” is my mantra too.

    Love and extra hugs today for you.
    xox Lisa

  7. One thing I have found…I need to stop trying to fix myself and jus love myself the way I am.
    Nothing more.
    It sounds easy, but it’s not.
    But when I try it those self sabotaging behaviours seem to dissipate.
    There is nothing to fix. You are perfect just as you are. That is a better mantra.

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