I’m happy to say that, mostly because of your awesome comments, I’m pretty much okay with my last post. Yes…I do see failure when I think of myself next to the word “alcoholic”, but when I divorce myself from that word I’m proud and happy about who I am. A mother-fucking-sober-warrior-ninja-lady! It’s a good place to be. It’s my place. And I love it here.
Besides…we have cookies.
Speaking of cookies (smoooooooth segue don’t you think), I’m still eating too many of them – and everything else. Breathe easy however, this post is not about my battle with sugar or food…it’s about my battle with me. On the tails of delving deep into my psyche about why I feel the way I do about different things, I’ve discovered that the part of my brain that loves to beat the shit out of me is alive and well. I think, sorta like feeding a Gremlin after dark, if I feed her sugar she grows and gets really ugly. Yeah…must be that.
Yesterday was a totally awful day. No matter what I did it turned to shit. I blamed it on the blood moon but I actually have no idea what it was…it just was. In and of itself that’s no big deal. EVERYONE has bad days and has to perform mea culpa from time to time. Shake it off, rub some dirt on it and get on wit yo bad ass self.
Except that’s not what I do. MY Gremlin does not have the ability to shake it off, let it go (damn…now that song’s in my head), or move on. It just likes to start that damn tape that runs on a loop and tells me what a loser I am. It doesn’t matter what the “good” side of my brain says, the Gremlin side is always louder. Kind of like arguing with a drunk – you can’t win and no matter how hard you try to convince them they are wrong, they get louder and louder and more and more obnoxious. Of course…I guess I am arguing with a drunk (albeit a sober one)…oh crap…now my brain hurts from thinking too much.
My depression medication really helps since the part of the brain that has gone haywire in me is also the part that feeds the Gremlin side. A huge symptom of depression is the inability to shake things off and the overwhelming tendency to beat yourself up about how awful you are. Even medicated though, old habits die hard and if I’m not vigilant, those Gremlins come roaring back with only the slightest of provocation…or cookies.
So for now I’m going to sit with it and try to figure it out. I’m going to work on “beefing up” the good side of my brain so she can shut the other side up. It won’t be for good but even a moment’s peace is a godsend. Besides, I’ve turned this one over to God and He never lets me down. He eats Gremlins for lunch.