I have a minor confession to make…or maybe it’s a major one. Maybe it’s a minor one now but could turn into a major one later if I don’t share it. WHAT. EVER. I know I have to get it out of my head and on to this page before I can move on so here it is.
Lately I’ve been wondering what it would be like to drink again.
Yeah. Not in a “One day I’ll drink again way,” or in a “I think I’ll drink now,” way and certainly not in an “I’ll drink in secret way.” Just in a, “I wonder what would happen if I drank again” way. Which is stupid. Because I KNOW what would happen if I drank again. It’s not a secret for God’s sake. I’d be where I was when I quit quicker than you can say Chardonnay. I’d lose every ounce of serenity I’ve worked so hard to gain. My health would go back in the toilet.
I’d disappoint my family.
So no, there’s not a day on this planet that I would seriously entertain the notion. But it does leave me wondering why? Why, after all this time and wonderfulness (is that a word) am I thinking these thoughts? Have I gotten lazy? Is something else going on in my life that I haven’t identified yet? I don’t know.
It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling. I’m not frightened because I know I won’t drink, but it does leave me a little anxious because I’ve worked very hard to cultivate this serenity I have and I’ll be damned if I want the voices to start up again. Right now they are just fleeting thoughts but if I were to feed them at all, they’d grow stronger and be yammering on in my head 24/7. It’s not a craving, not a yearning, not even nostaglia. Maybe it’s just curiosity? I hope not – you know what it did to the cat. Maybe I’m feeling weak…or coming down with something…or vulnerable.
I do have one clue. I am so blissfully and insanely happy right now for no other reason except that I exist. I exist and have managed (in spite of the drinking) to build a life filled with love and light. The kind of home I always wanted to grow up in but never had a shot. A happiness from the inside that just IS. AND being the child of an alcoholic and narcissist…I know this cannot last. I don’t deserve to be happy and the other shoe will surely fall very soon. Disaster is waiting right around the corner.
And when it happens…will I have the fortitude to face it without booze?
Good question. I’m going to say “of course” and I want to believe it but…well…but. Life is full of “buts” because you never know what tomorrow will hold. You just don’t know what the future will bring. I say this a lot but I don’t believe in mistakes or coincidences. I think there is a grand plan and that I am not in control. That, in and of itself makes me uncomfortable but it also takes a lot of weight off my shoulders. I’m not in charge! Which means I only have to live in this moment…right now…and enjoy it.
So for this moment, right now, I will not drink. Tomorrow and next week and next month and next year will take care of itself…no need to go there until I’m there. For now I am sober and happy.
And grateful…very, very grateful.
Ahhhh, NOW I feel better. Blogging…the poor girl’s therapy.