A Minor Confession

 

I have a minor confession to make…or maybe it’s a major one.  Maybe it’s a minor one now but could turn into a major one later if I don’t share it.  WHAT.  EVER.  I know I have to get it out of my head and on to this page before I can move on so here it is.

Lately I’ve been wondering what it would be like to drink again.

Wait.  What?

Yeah.  Not in a “One day I’ll drink again way,” or in a “I think I’ll drink now,” way and certainly not in an “I’ll drink in secret way.”  Just in a, “I wonder what would happen if I drank again” way.  Which is stupid.  Because I KNOW what would happen if I drank again.  It’s not a secret for God’s sake.  I’d be where I was when I quit quicker than you can say Chardonnay.  I’d lose every ounce of serenity I’ve worked so hard to gain.  My health would go back in the toilet.

I’d disappoint my family.

So no, there’s not a day on this planet that I would seriously entertain the notion.  But it does leave me wondering why?  Why, after all this time and wonderfulness (is that a word) am I thinking these thoughts?  Have I gotten lazy?  Is something else going on in my life that I haven’t identified yet?  I don’t know.

It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling.  I’m not frightened because I know I won’t drink, but it does leave me a little anxious because I’ve worked very hard to cultivate this serenity I have and I’ll be damned if I want the voices to start up again.  Right now they are just fleeting thoughts but if I were to feed them at all, they’d grow stronger and be yammering on in my head 24/7.  It’s not a craving, not a yearning, not even nostaglia.  Maybe it’s just curiosity?  I hope not – you know what it did to the cat.  Maybe I’m feeling weak…or coming down with something…or vulnerable. 

I do have one clue.  I am so blissfully and insanely happy right now for no other reason except that I exist.  I exist and have managed (in spite of the drinking) to build a life filled with love and light.  The kind of home I always wanted to grow up in but never had a shot.  A happiness from the inside that just IS.  AND being the child of an alcoholic and narcissist…I know this cannot last.  I don’t deserve to be happy and the other shoe will surely fall very soon.  Disaster is waiting right around the corner.

And when it happens…will I have the fortitude to face it without booze?

Good question.  I’m going to say “of course” and I want to believe it but…well…but.  Life is full of “buts” because you never know what tomorrow will hold.  You just don’t know what the future will bring.  I say this a lot but I don’t believe in mistakes or coincidences.  I think there is a grand plan and that I am not in control.  That, in and of itself makes me uncomfortable but it also takes a lot of weight off my shoulders.  I’m not in charge!  Which means I only have to live in this moment…right now…and enjoy it.

So for this moment, right now, I will not drink.  Tomorrow and next week and next month and next year will take care of itself…no need to go there until I’m there.  For now I am sober and happy.

And grateful…very, very grateful.

Ahhhh, NOW I feel better.  Blogging…the poor girl’s therapy.

Namaste

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14 thoughts on “A Minor Confession

  1. Oh – how I love your writing and your honesty!!
    Your life sounds lovely – I hope you can enjoy the present for the gift it sounds like it is 🙂
    Kick that wolfie into touch.
    K x

      1. Brilliant! Your writing is wonderful…you have a real warmth and so much humour even on a tricky subject…which is good! Thanks for your honesty, it is refreshing.

  2. Just a random thought but does it say something about the strength of your sobriety that you can pose the question and answer it with a resounding “No!”?

    Why not question what would happen if you drank again – so long as your mind moves straight into the honest catalogue of crap that would actually happen I reckon you’re right on track 🙂

    I know that in early sobriety it is a dangerous question which can lead to relapse but I think it is a testament to your resolve that you allow the question to form, consider it and answer it truthfully.

    Just a thought 🙂

    1. A great thought! I’ve been down the road of what if’s way early in my sobriety AND I’m in no danger of forgetting what it’s like to be a drunk. I just think that sometimes I get so happy in this sober life that I think something bad will inevitably happen.

      Great comment…Thank you!
      Sherry

  3. To be honest….I have that same thought often. Drinking was a huge part of my life for so long…much longer than it hasn’t. I think it’s natural to have that thought in sobriety. It still comes down to a choice of entertaining the thought or dismissing it as just another one of life’s temptations. Love the honesty, Sherry. Thank you!

  4. Gratitude is the attitude – I’ve heard that one a few times around AA – and I find it true for me, the thoughts come in similar to you every now and then, they are bound to – I am an alcoholic therefore to think about drinking it to me frankly a natural thing to do but then if it gets to be a little bit concerning that it is starting to nag I have to remember what I am and who I am etc.

  5. Sherry, honestly, I think it would be more unusual if you didn’t have that thought. After all, we are alcoholics, so I’m pretty sure wondering about alcohol occasionally will be a part of our life story, ad infinitum.

    The litmus test is what we do with that thought, and your post is proof that you are, indeed, on the right path. Shining a light on the thought, thinking it out, and reminding ourselves why we would rather not drink… these are all the tools we have been given, and you have clearly used each one brilliantly!

    And, if all else fails, my favorite tool is the one you saved for last… can I not drink for the rest of the day? Then I smile and let the rest go!

    Thanks for sharing with us, you are helping me stay sober today!

  6. Those thoughts run through my mind sometimes too. For me, it’s just wanting to be “off duty” for awhile and it seems like it would be nice to have a drink and not have to think about or do anything. But, of course, I know that’s not what it was like when I drank. I used to worry that when these thoughts entered my mind that it meant I was subconsciously planning to relapse but now I see the thoughts as a warning that I’m not taking care of myself. If I want to be off duty for awhile, I need to take some time for myself and dig deeper into my toolbox. Your honesty is refreshing!

    1. Good point Karen. Maybe it is when I get overwhelmed and need some time off that these “signs” show up. I’ll have to pay closer attention next time but I really think you may be on to something.

      Thanks! This helps.

      Sherry

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