Self Sabotage

I never cease to amaze me.  Just when I’m feeling really good about myself the Board of Directors in my head decides to chime in and start filling my head with negativity.  I need to fire them but they’ve been there a long time and like Congress, they just won’t leave.  I think I’ll pass some legislation in my head for term limitations.

It doesn’t take much to get them going either.  Just a cloudy day or minor twinge to the heart and “bang bang bang” the meeting is in session.

This morning they brought the meeting to order in my bathroom mirror…

  • “Oh my God you look old.”
  • “Your skin is never going to look good.”
  • “That shampoo you’re using for your scalp is going to wreck your hair color.  Why can’t you get it right?”
  • “There is no amount of makeup that’s going to make that face look good.”

Then they traveled to my closet with me…

  • “You don’t have anything to wear.”
  • “Your clothes look terrible on you.”
  • “When are you going to get serious about losing weight?”
  • “You’re not doing anything about it you know…you need to get moving or you’re going to turn out just like your mother.”
  • “Doesn’t matter…no matter what your weight is, you look like shit.”

The last two crossed the line.  I actually said, out loud, “You all need to shut the fuck up…NOW!”  Then I just stood there in disbelief.  How can a woman who only says positive things to other people say these horrible things to herself?

It’s a form of self-sabotage.

See, back “in the day”, the drinking days that is, I would get into one of these funks and not only would the Board of Directors convene, they went out for drinks afterwards.  A morning of beating myself up was sure to lead to a shitty day at work followed by a challenging commute home which was CERTAINLY reason for a drink when I arrived!  In fact, it was reason for a bottle or three as well! 

In the beginning phase of sobriety, I did the same thing with food.  That’s when the “fuck-its” really began to raise their ugly heads. 

  • “I look like shit and always will so fuck-it, might as well eat a bunch of Oreos.”
  • “I will always be this way so fuck-it, bring on the chocolate.”
  • “This bag of potato chips is just what I need after the day I’ve had.  Fuck it.”

But you know what happens if you give a Mouse a Cookie or a Pig a Pancake right?  They want more and they just keep doing what they’ve been doing.  So if you give the Board Some Booze or Bagels you know what they do?

They just keep running their damn mouths…that’s what they do.

Well I might not be the brightest crayon in the box but I know a scam when I see one and this is the biggest scam ever perpetuated.  Just like that cookie got that mouse into a lot of shenanigans, so to did the food and drink cause my Board to run amok wreaking havoc on my self-esteem, ego and self-worth.  It has to stop. 

I’m shutting the mother fucker down right now.  I’m going to starve them right out of my head.

Ooooo these posts make me feel better!  Just getting the words on the page makes me feel empowered and in charge of my own life (which I am of course – I just need reminding every once in a while).

Namaste

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24 thoughts on “Self Sabotage

  1. I hate those voices, too. Really hate them. But it’s amazing how talking about them makes them disappear. I’m glad they’re banished (for a while at least) now! xo

    1. I know. It makes me think of those paranormal shows that say when you acknowledge a spirit and tell it to go away it does. So I acknowledge them and tell them to LEAVE! And most of the time…they do!

      Thanks,
      Sherry

  2. We have the pig and mouse book checked out from the library at the moment. I always thought they were cute, if a bit demanding. Now I can only see the more! I’m hearing the same kinds of things in my head/mirror/closet. When I exercise or drink a green juice, I don’t hear it. When I shovel in cookies and chocolate and even old, sad snacks from the back of the pantry, that’s all I hear. I’m really just hoping for baby steps of progress these days, blaming it on a long winter or pms. Tough going.

    1. That’s a great point. When I’m doing the right things I don’t hear them (as much) but when I indulge or slip up – off they go! Then why don’t I do the right things all the time? BECAUSE I’M HUMAN.

      Baby steps…progress…long winters and lack of hormones (no more pms for me). You’re right!
      Sherry

  3. Great post Sherry.. love how you are getting these negative voices out of your head and onto the screen.. so powerful is SHUTTING THE FUCKERS UP!! Identifying them and telling on them is a great way to remove their power. It was the same with our nasty drinking voice… I mean for fucks sake.. none of us look like Miranda Kerr.. and frankly she strikes me as someone a bit messed up anyway. Look at you with your healthy relationships and kick ass sober life.. you ROCK and frankly, honestly, skin and hair and wobbly tummys are. not. important. Trust me.. at your funeral your sons won’t be saying ‘if only mum had a flatter tummy my life would have been perfect’. They won’t. That shit doesn’t matter. It doesn’t.

  4. Funny how when the old identity tapes play its all negative shit. Weird too, how when other people say good shit about me, I dont always see it. Not right away, anyway. It takes time. It takes time to build a sober identity.

    I think going through the steps helped to alleviate about 98% of it. Also if I am around myself too long, answering my own questions, that old negativity seems more prevalent. Sober blogs, meetings, and hanging out with other like minded people tends to keep the focus off of me.

    1. It does take the focus away from us doesn’t it! I think that’s why coming out here and getting it on “paper” always makes me feel better. It’s kind of like throwing up for my brain. (Sorry.)

      Sherry

  5. Sherry
    I’m so glad I read your post today. It was what I needed, I am 4+ months sober and feeling kind of worn out and getting down on myself because I am not “enough” smart, pretty, thin, together, good etc. It is time to let the negative go and focus on the positive. Also as you said, time to fire the board of directors
    Thanks
    Jean

    1. Oh the disease of “Enough”. We all have it. Anyone with any kind of self-medicating has the “Enough” disease. The cure for it is more time sober and a lot of blogging and talking to that Board (so you can fire them…I’ve fired mine about a million times now).

      You’ll probably hear a lot more from them because your sober self is still in its infancy. That’s okay. You may have to listen to them but you don’t have to BELIEVE them. Because they LIE! They lie like a mother fucker and you have to tell yourself that every time they start blabbing on.

      Congratulations on over 4 months sober!!!!! That’s phenomenal!

      Sherry

  6. Thanks for sharing. I myself have a lot of ups and downs and also want to get it out and into the written word. I write up an article and then delete it without posting. I beat myself up by telling myself that no one is really interested in what I have to say.

    1. I used to think that too! Then I realized that it really doesn’t matter. My writing is about me and I’d keep writing even if no one else read it!

      Thanks for stopping by.

      Sherry

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