I never cease to amaze me. Just when I’m feeling really good about myself the Board of Directors in my head decides to chime in and start filling my head with negativity. I need to fire them but they’ve been there a long time and like Congress, they just won’t leave. I think I’ll pass some legislation in my head for term limitations.
It doesn’t take much to get them going either. Just a cloudy day or minor twinge to the heart and “bang bang bang” the meeting is in session.
This morning they brought the meeting to order in my bathroom mirror…
- “Oh my God you look old.”
- “Your skin is never going to look good.”
- “That shampoo you’re using for your scalp is going to wreck your hair color. Why can’t you get it right?”
- “There is no amount of makeup that’s going to make that face look good.”
Then they traveled to my closet with me…
- “You don’t have anything to wear.”
- “Your clothes look terrible on you.”
- “When are you going to get serious about losing weight?”
- “You’re not doing anything about it you know…you need to get moving or you’re going to turn out just like your mother.”
- “Doesn’t matter…no matter what your weight is, you look like shit.”
The last two crossed the line. I actually said, out loud, “You all need to shut the fuck up…NOW!” Then I just stood there in disbelief. How can a woman who only says positive things to other people say these horrible things to herself?
It’s a form of self-sabotage.
See, back “in the day”, the drinking days that is, I would get into one of these funks and not only would the Board of Directors convene, they went out for drinks afterwards. A morning of beating myself up was sure to lead to a shitty day at work followed by a challenging commute home which was CERTAINLY reason for a drink when I arrived! In fact, it was reason for a bottle or three as well!
In the beginning phase of sobriety, I did the same thing with food. That’s when the “fuck-its” really began to raise their ugly heads.
- “I look like shit and always will so fuck-it, might as well eat a bunch of Oreos.”
- “I will always be this way so fuck-it, bring on the chocolate.”
- “This bag of potato chips is just what I need after the day I’ve had. Fuck it.”
But you know what happens if you give a Mouse a Cookie or a Pig a Pancake right? They want more and they just keep doing what they’ve been doing. So if you give the Board Some Booze or Bagels you know what they do?
They just keep running their damn mouths…that’s what they do.
Well I might not be the brightest crayon in the box but I know a scam when I see one and this is the biggest scam ever perpetuated. Just like that cookie got that mouse into a lot of shenanigans, so to did the food and drink cause my Board to run amok wreaking havoc on my self-esteem, ego and self-worth. It has to stop.
I’m shutting the mother fucker down right now. I’m going to starve them right out of my head.
Ooooo these posts make me feel better! Just getting the words on the page makes me feel empowered and in charge of my own life (which I am of course – I just need reminding every once in a while).