I’ve been thinking that I’m in a rut. I don’t want to do anything. My weekends are spent reading, or watching crap TV or cooking for my family, or playing the new Bejeweled Poker (OMG!!!). I’ve been feeling bad about not doing yoga (like I said I would at the beginning of the year), or meditating (see prior parenthetical statement), or exercising, or deep cleaning my house, or redecorating or…well…you get the picture.
But this morning as I looked longingly at my meditation bench a thought (a whisper from the Big Guy perhaps) entered my brain. What if this is all okay? What if I’m doing (or not doing) this because it’s what I want and need to do (or not do).
This is the kind of growth that fucks with my head big time.
In my former life, this would never be okay. I never stopped moving (except to drink of course). Every free minute was spent cooking or cleaning or doing laundry or driving kids here and there or exercising or whatever. I actually had an Excel spreadsheet that planned my days, weeks and months. I was always running running running. I think I was running away from being still because I was afraid I’d catch up to myself and implode.
Well…that kind of happened didn’t it. All this work I’ve done in sobriety has taught me that it’s okay not to be all things to all people all of the time. Now…it certainly helps that my husband is retired and takes care of the house and that the kids are all mostly grown and doing their own thing. I mean, no way I could have even sat down to write this post even five years ago. But if I were still the old me, I’d be filling every weekend of the year with projects just to keep from facing myself.
I’ve noticed this winter that I’ve slowed down and have allowed myself to hibernate and I was thinking this morning that it will all end soon. My hibernation will die a natural rather than forced death and it will all be okay. The sun will come out and the weather will warm and before you know it I’ll be purging closets, washing windows, planting flower gardens, building decks and repainting. I love doing yoga with the windows open and a cool breeze blowing…same with meditating. I’ll be walking the dogs every day (even in the rain) and searching out opportunities to be physical outside. And it will be okay.
As I pondered this I realized that this was a much more organic approach to my life and that I could get used to it. I mean…do what you feel like doing and don’t beat yourself up over what other people think you should be doing. Well there’s a novel concept.
It’s gray and rainy and cold here today. So guess what? I’m not going to worry about the bushes in the front of the house that need to be torn out because the snow destroyed them…they’ll still be there when the sun comes out. I’m not going to walk the dogs and get chilled to the bone. I’m not going to empty any closets or storage spaces until I can fill a trunk and deliver its content to the Salvation Army or the dump. And I’m certainly not going to paint anything until I can open the windows.
This mama bear is going to hibernate just a little longer. I’m going to paint my nails and my toes, watch HGTV, have dinner and paint pottery with my BFF and then get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow I may go shopping for backspash tile…or I may not. I’m still eating right and getting 8000-10,000 steps a day so I’m staying healthy. Hibernating is healthy…just ask a bear.