Sometimes I "LOL"

I’m sober.  I’ll be sober forever.  There’s no question about that.  Trust me.

But sometimes…

Sometimes I’m amazed at how swiftly the thought of, “Just one will be okay” can come into my head and take over my thoughts.  I mean seriously.  One minute I’m sitting around, painting my toenails or playing my eleventy billionth game of Bejeweled and the next minute I’m thinking, “Maybe I CAN drink…in moderation…for a little while.”

What the fuck is THAT?

I mean it’s not like I haven’t TRIED about a trillion ways to do that.  Let’s count drinks…no more than two okay?  No, let’s say that I have to have a glass of water between each drink (which just makes you pee MORE by the way).  Wait, maybe I’ll have a glass an hour…oops…let’s make that every 30 minutes.  I KNOW!  I’ll only drink on the weekends!  Thursday is the gateway to the weekend right?  Okay…I’ll only drink on special occasions.  Let’s see, I have a hair appointment this weekend…time to break out the wine!

And we all know that’s just the beginning.  These little conversations with myself continued until I was back to my old pattern of drinking myself stupid and hating myself for it.

Yes, I was that pathetic.

So why in the name of all that is holy and good would my brain even go to that dark and ugly place?  What’s more, why would that dark and ugly place all of a sudden take on the suspicious look of Cinderella’s Castle with all the fairy dust and twinkly lights and Tinker-fucking-Bell flitting all over the place?

Because sports fans…I’m an alcoholic and that’s what we do.

But please do not despair because it’s not as bad as you might think.  In fact, it’s funny to me.  Not funny in a cynical sad kind of way but laugh out loud funny.  Which is what I do when these thoughts come into my head…I laugh out loud.  (Which makes people ask me what’s so funny and then, if I don’t know them well, I make up some story about a squirrel and a tree and a dog who all walk into a bar…oh never mind.)

In the beginning I did not laugh out loud.  I did not even smile…unless you consider a grimace that concealed clenched teeth a smile.  I clenched.  I fought.  I breathed.  I waited.  And then it passed and I waited for it to return – which it did.  But then it didn’t.  And I relaxed.

And then it did and it scared me to death because it was out of nowhere and I wasn’t expecting it and what the hell was I going to do if this was how life was going to be forever!  So I blogged.  I talked to the hubs.  I went to AA for awhile.  And I got through it. 

And it got easier.

And now it’s funny.  I mean really Sherry?  You think that you are so special that, after a certain period of time, you (and only you) will be able to pick up a glass of wine and all of a sudden, out of the fucking blue someone call the Vatican because this is a bona fide miracle, you will be able to drink like a normie?

Told you it was funny.

And I laugh…because it helps to keep things in perspective and then I think, what would it change for me if I did drink.

Only everything I love and hold dear.

And then I stop laughing.

Because THAT is not funny.

Have a wonderful, sober weekend everyone…

Namaste

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Sometimes I "LOL"

  1. I had a thought just the other day 'I wonder if I'll ever drink again' WTF?????!!!! You would not believe the shit that is going down in my life right now.. have to say despite that random thought I have been so very grateful to be sober with my feet planted firmly on the ground while some serious shit goes down. I can't write about it publically but might facebook you…anyway.. point being.. yes our crazy alcoholic brains will always be with us and for that reason we may whine and moan and fret and be all introspective but we must never ever let that nasty liquid pass between our sweet sober lips. Oh look I've gone all poetic. Hope you are ok, I've been reading but not commenting sorry.. love you long time. One day we will get that hug xxx

  2. I said those very same things to myself for years, water before wine, just on the weekends, only two glasses. It took me a really long time to start my journey. I'm only 90 days so it's really important to know that even after lots of time the thought still crosses your mind. I look forward to the time to laugh about it instead of being pissed that it entered my head. Love the honesty and humor in all your posts.
    Sharon (soberatsixty.wordpress.com)

  3. Baby, the blogesphere loves you stream of conscousness (s.p.) and i love you…you get it and you have it….never be discouraged by your thoughts and feelings, emotions…they are all apart of what makes you the GREATEST….KUTGW…

  4. I am laughing with you there…it happens to me too and I if I could look at myself, I would give the “wtf?” look too. Listen, I used to be *horrified* when those thoughts came to me. I would call up every other alcoholic I knew and told them and I would freak out, thinking I would drink,etc. They too would either smile, or laugh, or just nod knowingly. As I do now, because while it was scary then, now it's just part of being an alcoholic. That's what we do, folks. Not every day. not every minute. At the beginning, sure. But when there is time between us and the last drink, it comes now and then. At least for me it does. A fleeting flash at best, then drowned out by my “tsk tsk”s.

    Thanks for sharing this – always good to know we get one another 🙂

    Blessings,
    Paul

    P.S love that new profile pic – stunning! 😉

  5. I LOL'd at your excuses, we were ridiculous little beings, weren't we? One of my early clues that my drinking was not the same as everyone else's drinking is when my friends would come into work on Monday and laugh about their hangovers that weekend, I couldn't laugh about mine, they were an everyday plaque. Only now can I very occasionally laugh about my drinking past.

    BTW, I don't play Bejeweled or any of those games because it would be just one more thing I'd have to check one more time to keep me chained to this computer screen.

So...what do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s