|I love that movie.|
First – I want to thank Furtherton for a comment he put on a post I put up last night…and then took down this morning. Thank you Graham for reminding me what that post was REALLY about. You rock.
Now on to today.
I am in a piss poor mood.
Why? Who knows. Who cares. All I want to do is get out of it. There’s no particular reason I’m this dour, it just is. Sometimes you just wake up and think, “I’d like to punch someone in throat.” Usually that someone is me. Today is no exception.
I don’t know about you but sometimes I just have days when all I am able to do is feel like shit about myself. The good news is they used to come WAY more often than they do now. Like all the time. Every. Fucking. Day. The bad news is that even though I’ve come a long way, they still come. The badder news is that not only do they still come but I still allow myself to participate.
“Who is it?”
“It’s your favorite sucky attitude.”
“I don’t have a favorite sucky attitude, I hate you all.”
“Fine, it’s your least hated sucky attitude. Do you want to play or not?”
“No I do not want to play! You’re mean to me. All of you are mean to me! Why would I want to play with you?”
“Aw come on…we have chocolate.”
“Ha! See how much you know? I don’t eat chocolate anymore so there.”
“Well…we have cashews too.”
“Can I bring anything?”
Poof! Just like that I go from a semi-confident, grown up, 52 year old woman who has built a good career, an amazing marriage and raised six beautiful, kind and lovely kids, kicked both nicotine AND alcohol and quite possibly sugar to one of those scowly faced women you see walking down the street that make you think, “Geez…who peed in your cereal?” My mood is official bad, my attitude is sucky and I am lower than a high school freshman on the first day of school.
And the mirrors at this particular party all reflect the same image. That of an old, ugly, fat woman in a nowhere career who’s no longer sexy to her husband and whose children merely tolerate her. Sure I’ve kicked addiction but anyone can do that. (No really, with the right support anyone CAN do it.)
Then why am I boring you all to tears with all of this. Who give a flying fuck what you’re feeling today Sherry? You’re bringing us down with all this negativity! Geez, just crawl back into your hole would ya?
Well, I’m sharing this because it’s how I deal with these days that has changed. Instead of smoking a pack of cigarettes, downing a bottle or six of wine, or eating my weight in M&M’s, I’m learning to cope with a different set of tools.
“Okay – I’ve over this lame party. You all will have to leave.”
“But we don’t want to leave. You haven’t given us any incentive to leave. There’s no nicotine, no booze, no chocolate. You’ve only eaten a small handful of the cashews we have for you.”
“Ah…but I have other tools. I will pray. I will get hugs from my family and kisses from my husband. I will talk to friends. I will choose the best outfit in my closet and wear it today. I will take extra care with my hair and makeup. I will make an extra special effort at work. I will eat healthy. I will take a walk. I will practice yoga. I will meditate. I will go to sleep early and wake up with a new attitude.”
“Well fine. If you want to play that way we’ll just take our cashews and leave.”
“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”