|…and I’m here to kick your ass.|
I don’t know what triggered it and I don’t know how to circumvent it but this is what I believe is going on with me right now.
I have never thought I had any issues with being anxious. It never occurred to me (I know…I’m a special kind of stupid) that it might be an issue. That’s because every time this feeling would come over me I’d pick up a glass (bottle) (bottles) of wine and make the feeling go away. I’d go all day, white knuckled until I could get home and get that first sip of ‘ahhhh and then proceed to obliterate the rest of the evening. And then do it all over again the next day.
In fact, toward the end of my drinking I didn’t get beyond mildly anxious before I picked up my trusty glass, so I know I couldn’t/didn’t recognize it for what it was.
(This is one of those brick upside the head moments for me so bear with me while I work through it.)
I’ve noticed the last month or so that I’m not sleeping as soundly as I had been. My shoes don’t fit. I can’t get comfortable. I put it off to weight gain but I haven’t gained any extra weight. My freaking skin doesn’t feel like it fits. I can’t shut down my brain long enough to pray or meditate. I don’t feel like I’m being a good wife or mom or coworker. I’m having trouble breathing. I’m kind of itchy on my arms and legs.
Heart attack? Not likely. The flu? Nope. Allergies? Nuh-uh. Anxiety? Um…maybe. Who am I kidding…yes.
This isn’t just feeling anxious – I, like everyone else, feel that from time to time and it passes. This is something that has been slowly building like a tidal wave rumbling away, out in the ocean, slowly making its way to shore where it feels as if it will completely overwhelm me at any second. And I’m trying to run…in sand.
I’ve been thinking about my pink cloud. It’s been gone for awhile now. I think it was eaten by anxiety. I know it was there in the beginning of my sobriety, went away for awhile and then came back stronger than ever. I can read back through my posts and see that. But for the past few months it’s been gone. I’ve been looking around to other things to try and get it back. Food. The hubs. The kids. The house. Work (let’s apply for several new jobs shall we?). School (graduate school anyone?).
Sound familiar? I’m looking outside for something that should be coming from inside but that can’t get in because anxiety has build a goddamned (little g) fortress around me and won’t let me get to where I need to be. It wants wine but I have long since moved past that and won’t wake that motherfucker up no matter what happens.
And it’s not that I’m unhappy, it’s just that I can seem to find peace. That inner smile you get when the rest of the world is losing it’s mind and you know it’s going to be just fine. You know…Faith. I had it in my hands for the briefest of moments…I want it back in the worst way.
Funny thing, at the beginning of the year I chose Faith as my word for the year. I think I chose it because I knew I needed to work on maintaining it. And that’s what I’ve been trying to do but Anxiety has gotten in the way. I don’t believe in Satan or hell as we’re taught to believe it when we’re young, but I do believe there are evil forces in the universe that work to separate us from God (Higher Power, the Big Guy…whatever) and I FIRMLY believe that anxiety is one of them. It clouds my head and my heart and makes me crazy and not able to pray. Yeah…that’s evil if you ask me.
Now comes the hard part. What in the name of all that is holy do I do about it?
I’m taking calls…the lines are open. What do you do about anxiety?