Yesterday, out of the blue, like a God brick upside my head, I realized that a little over three years ago, not only did I stop drinking, but the hubs did too.
And, until yesterday, I never said thank you.
What a dumb fuck I am.
Okay, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. I’ve been a little busy with this whole getting sober, figuring out who I am and getting on with life thing, BUT…so has he!!! I know I’m easier to live with now because he doesn’t have to babysit me anymore, or listen to me blather on in a drunken stupor about nothing at all, or watch our bank account wither away and, literally, get flushed down the toilet, but he still has had to adapt. After all, he’s the one that served as my therapist (and still does) through all the tears, temper tantrums, and diatribes that early sobriety brings. He’s the one that soothed me when I was shaky, stood by me while I told the kids, offered to go to AA with me, and went out in the middle of the night to buy me candy when I was jonesing. So really…would a little thank you have been so hard?
Yep…I’m a dumb fuck.
Not that he’s was much of a drinker after the kids were born. The hubs had a mild heart attack about 30 days after my oldest was born. After that, we really cleaned up our act. Good eating, cooking at home and of course, no drinking. Who the hell has time to drink when there’s a newborn in the house (all of our drinking was done away from home then…another one of my silly rules in an ill-fated attempt to control my drinking). We stayed home. He healed…and so did I…for a little while anyway.
Between pregnancies and after however, it didn’t take me long to get going again. I remember being out one night at a friend’s house and when we got home, I was so drunk that I couldn’t get the baby to quiet and go to sleep (he had come with us). The hubs snatched him away and said, “Just go to bed, I’ll take care of him.” I wasn’t so drunk that it didn’t sting…bad (still does). But the point is that he laid off the sauce and was able to moderate when I wasn’t.
After the kids got older and I began drinking at home, he NEVER did. I tried to get him to drink with me but he never did. He would drink when we went out for date night but he switched his signature drink (V.O. and Coke) to a tall glass to get more coke to the shot of V.O. And I think, no I’m sure, he only drank then because he knew I would be upset if he didn’t. I mean, I didn’t want to drink alone! That would mean I had a problem!
Was it that he saw the writing on the wall? That, eventually, I would no longer be able to continue my alcoholic journey and would have to quit so he might as well get used to it? Nope…that’s an alcoholic’s thought process, not a normie’s. I think it was more that he had just moved on. He never needed it like I did, so when it became an issue he just let it go. He stepped away as a natural part of the process of getting older. He matured. He grew. And he never left my side. He never judged. He never criticized.
So I took a moment and thanked him yesterday via my daily “Today I love you because…” text.
His response? “I love you baby.”
My response? “I love you more.”