You know…worrying about my weight has become kind of my new obsession. The constant chatter that went on inside my head, coupled with the dialogue and beat downs from my old friend the Boxing Bitch about my drinking, has been replaced with the same old shit…but now it’s about my weight. That sucks in the worst way.
Not that the chatter wasn’t always there. Chatter and beat downs about my weight have been going on inside of me since I hit puberty. I was a chubby kid and after puberty I was a fat teenager. I was always bigger than everyone else so that now I have no real concept for how I look to other people. If I did that exercise where you draw your body on a big piece of paper and then lay down and let someone trace your actual body, I would draw the equivalent of a 5’4 1/4″ orange. It’s hard to undo what is learned in childhood.
I can’t change the fact that my particular body type will always give me angst. After all…there is only one Heidi Klum (bitch). I also cannot change the fact that I am through menopause and my metabolism has slowed to a crawl and that every carb I put in my face goes directly to my ass.
What I can change is me.
So this is what I’m doing for Lent – I’m giving up dieting. I’m giving up giving up things. I’m giving up deprivation and beating myself up about how much I eat, what I eat and when. I’m not going to weigh anything, or label anything bad, or forbid myself from eating anything. For the remainder of Lent I am just not going to worry about it.
Okay, even I’m going to call bullshit on that one. Let’s try this again. I’m going to make a Lenten commitment not to worry about it.
So, coming from the positive side of that equation, what I am going to do is be kind to myself. I am going to practice saying nice things to myself every day. I am going to force myself to look in the mirror every morning and find something that I like about how I look that day (I actually do a really good job of this now – it’s a good thing to do…try it). I am going to eat good, whole and healthy foods, and not deny myself a treat if it’s what I want. I am going to meditate daily on the fact that I’ve come a hell of a long way in the last three years and I’m a pretty damn good human being because of it.
In other words, I’m going to give myself a fucking break.
To be honest, I never really understood the whole Lenten observance anyway. Why in the world would a God who loves me enough to send his one and only Son to die for my sins, want me to suffer because of it? Sorry, doesn’t add up in my pea brain. But I do believe that my God does want me to take this one and only earthly life He has given me and be good to myself while I’m here. I believe he wants me to treat everyone with loving kindness and that includes me. I believe He’s not too pleased with the way I’ve been treating myself all these years and that He’ll be happy that I’m making even more changes.
Just writing this down makes me feel better. For one I get to say I’m participating in Lent for the first time in…well…a long ass time. Plus, I just think that being good to yourself should be mandatory before you get your Human Card.
Be good to yourself today people.