What an incredibly odd Christmas for me. Thirty days ago I was filled with holiday spirit and looking forward to enjoying the peace and serenity I had discovered of late about the holidays. Most of my shopping was done and I was entering the season feeling like I’d never felt in my life and looking forward to seeing what the holidays would bring.
Then a series of events came tumbling in and left me feeling frightened and unsettled. A good friend’s mother passed unexpectedly, then another friends father and still an other’s grandmother. Add to that the events of December 14th and I was beginning to think the Mayans were right…
But once I sat down to really examine my feelings (yeah…I know…go figure) I realized that with the exception of the horror of New Town, I have had many holiday seasons filled with sadness, despair and even death. I’m not sure if more people die over the holiday season (I know it’s true in my family) or if we’re just hyper aware of it during that time but it does seem as if it comes in groups (threes?) all at one time and that it’s cyclical. This was just a very, very bad year.
What’s different this year is how I’m dealing with all of it. Prior years had me running to the bottle even before I began drinking at home. I’d just find another way. Date night? Holiday parties that I wouldn’t normally attend? Local restaurant and bar celebrations? All of the above. I’d find any way possible to “find my festive” and disguise any unpleasantness as a happy holiday season. Stuff down all those feelings and “get into the spirit” of the season.
Yeah…how’s that workin’ for ya?
This year I had to feel those feelings. I had to walk through the pain in order to come out on the other side to discover…well, I’m still trying to figure that out. But at least I can say that I DID enjoy Christmas. I was settled, peaceful, even a little serene. I had some bitchy moments, one heart to heart with the hubs that left me in tears, and WAY too much sugar but all in all, a very happy holiday.
Now on to New Year’s Eve and Day. I have a couple of resolutions that I’ll write about in a later post but for now I think I’ll just relax and a little and enjoy the decorations because they’ll be packed away in just a few days.