For the past several months I’ve been feeling a little…flat. My emotions have been a little dull and I haven’t been able to muster a tear for the Hallmark Channel. Definitely not me. I cry at McDonald’s commercials. For years this was the only way I could get a good cry. I didn’t believe in crying because I thought it showed weakness and my lovely family always used tears as a form of manipulation. I never wanted any part of it.
Of course that’s also one of the reasons I ended up clinically depressed. See, you HAVE to let those emotions out or they will fuck you up but good. I had a therapist tell me one time that crying is God’s Prozac. It resets your hormones and gets you back to “normal” (whatever the hell that is).
Antidepressants are supposed to put you on a level playing field with the rest of the normal population (there’s that word again) and that means you do this dance (if you’re paying attention) that has you evaluating your medication on a regular basis. That’s the reason I sought out a psychiatrist that was also a pharmacologist – I wanted to be sure he knew his shit.
I went to him week before last and asked him to lower the dosage on one of my medications (I have two) so that I wouldn’t feel so flat and emotionless. It’s a side effect of one of my medications…too little and you’re still depressed, too much and you’re…nothing.
BUT, when you’re adjusting meds like this, it can take some time for your body to settle in with the new dosage. As a result, I’m a little short tempered at times, a little weepy at times, and a whole lot needy when it comes to the hubs. It’s a bit of a roller coaster ride but definitely better than the alternative, which would either be a trip back into the black hole where there is no light, no joy and the only way out is some pharmacological help or death…at least for me, or an existence of no emotion at all. Neither of those is acceptable Nothing else seems to work for me in the long term, and I’m not willing to put my family through hell while I try something new…again. Life’s too short to spend it making myself and other people miserable.
So they get a little roller coaster ride for a little while. Hey – roller coasters can be fun right?!
It’s a delicate balance. I definitely do not want to go blubbering on about everything but I do want to be able to be moved from time to time. For example, yesterday my son (the singer) and I were running errands. Our radio station is already playing Christmas Music (thereby ensuring I won’t be able to stomach one more note by New Years) and “Oh Holy Night” began to play…and he began to sing. By the time he was done I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat and it was joyous!
And THAT’s how I knew that even though the roller coaster is challenging, it’s definitely worth the ride.