A coworker was telling me a story the other day about a friend of hers that, when she finally got to go to the Staples Center in LA and see the Lakers play, got so emotional about it that she cried. Another co-worker chimed in and said that her husband got that way when he finally got to see the Steeler’s play in Pittsburgh.
So I started thinking…what do I want to do that would evoke that kind of emotional response. Where do I want to go? What do I want to see? What would I like to own that would actually make me cry if I finally, after much scrimping and saving, got to buy it?
Answer: Not a damned thing.
Seriously, I couldn’t think of one trip, one landmark, one pair of shoes that would make me get weepy. Now that’s just when I’m thinking about myself. If you’re talking about getting something for or taking my kids somewhere then all bets are off – I cry when they open their Christmas gifts. But for me…not so much.
That’s not to say that I don’t want, because I do. I want to go to Paris, London and Rome. I’d like to see Ireland. I want to cruise Alaska and chant in India. I want to participate in a tea ceremony in Japan. I want to shop in Hong Kong. I want granite counter tops and stainless applicances. I want a king-sized bed. I want to be a size six. I want a pair of black Christian Louboutin shoes. I want to hit the lottery, pay off all of my debt and be a stay at home mom.
Yeah…so. I don’t want any one of these things so badly that getting it would make me cry. (Okay – maybe the lottery thing but that’s it.) I haven’t wanted anything that badly since I went to see the Osmonds in 1975. I cried then…but I was 14 and a girl and going through puberty. Of course I cried.
Well…there was one thing. When I was trying to get pregnant with my first I cried when I found out. We’d been trying for a year and I had almost given up so that was definitely a crying moment. But other than babies and Osmonds…I can’t think of anything else.
So I was wondering? What is wrong with me? Don’t I have any dreams or wishes? Did all those years of drinking and wanting for things leave me jaded?
Nope. I’m just content. I want but I don’t want so deeply that I’d cry if I got. I have everything I’ll ever need plus a whole helluva lot more. I am BLESSED beyond belief and I thank God every morning for all of it.
If I get to Paris one day it will be wonderful but it’s not the end all and be all of my existence. If I get a pair of Louboutins I’ll likely spend most of my time worrying about messing them up and stressing because they cost so much and oh my god we could have spent that money on something else. If I hit the lottery…okay…I’ll probably cry. But only because I would be able to release the burden of debt from our lives and give my family more of what they want (okay…THEN I’ll get the Louboutins) AND maybe open a yoga studio that is way more affordable than the ones we have around here. Who cares if it loses money, I’ll need the tax write off.
Is this growth? Yeah…probably. But it’s been my experience that growth is usually painful and this is more of a relief. After a lifetime of wanting more, more, more, it’s nice to relax and look around and finally say…
I have enough and thank you God for providing it.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Goodbye.”