I am so much better today than I was Saturday evening or yesterday morning. Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment and provide encouragement in the midst of my temper tantrum. I really do appreciate them all. It feels so good to have support (from people you have never even met but feel like you know…intimately) and it does make a difference in this journey – whether it’s through recovery or weight loss.
The weather has been glorius since yesterday morning and that has helped to heal my mood as well. As soon as I got out of bed yesterday, I opened ALL of the windows in my house. I ignored the cobwebs behind my curtains that had take up residence because my windows haven’t been opened since early May. The fresh air circulated through my house and, when coupled with the sunshine and a long walk with the dogs and one of my boys, I was me again by afternoon.
I did eat real food yesterday though…the lingering remnants of my tantrum demanded it. We cooked on the grill so I had a hamburger on a real bun with ketchup and sweet relish and a side of cucumber salad (cucumbers, tomatoes, red onion, vinegar and water – no mayo). Not too bad, right? Wrong – I ate a huge portion of my friend’s “dump cake”. It was good but I overstuffed my stomach and was up most of the night with reflux. That’s what I get for cheating so bad.
Here’s the thing. I behaved the same way I would have when I was drinking or smoking. There is no moderation for me when it comes to things that are “bad” for me. I had already had several bites of the cake while we were waiting for dinner (she wanted us to taste it after all) so when it was time for dessert, I should have passed. But see, the monster had already been awakened by then and, as usual, she was still hungry so I had more and made myself miserable in the process.
This is a familiar place for me…miserable because of something I regret doing.
What I need to do is what I used to do before I lost “control”. Just stay the hell away from that stuff. I know it’s possible because I spent all of my twenties and thirties doing it. Of course I was still smoking and drinking then so I guess the willpower was going to food instead. Now I don’t have either of those – this is my final frontier.
Beam me up Scotty.