Yesterday I posted about my lack of craving and my desire to enjoy my evening with my family – present and sober. My evening was just as I had imagined, relaxing and easy. In fact, I spent a good part of the evening reading and commenting on blogs.
So, as often happens to me, my brain started working overtime as I was driving to work this morning thinking about some of the comments I made last night and why I write this blog. It triggered a memory of a comment my oldest son made this weekend about my drinking.
Oldest Child, “Just you know, I could never tell when you were drinking. It’s probably because my eyesight is so poor that I couldn’t really see your eyes from a reasonable distance, but really, I couldn’t tell.”
Me…crickets accompanied by a blank stare.
Oldest Child, “I just didn’t want you to think you were THAT bad.”
And here’s where it gets stupid. All of you alcoholics out there know where this is going. My besotted, shriveled up brain thought…
MAYBE I’M NOT THAT BAD!
Really???? No really, REALLY???? Are you fucking kidding me? After all this time?
The thought only lasted an instant before my sane brain took over and thought, “Of course you’re THAT bad you ninny! In fact, you’re worse!”
But it was too late – I had peeped into the darkness once more and affirmed what I’ve always known. The darkness is there…always. And the demon lives and lies in wait in that darkness. It’s my job to stay in the light.
Which of course I did.
This morning when I thought of this conversation, my first reaction was – I need to write about this. I need to put “pen” to “paper” (fingers to keyboard) and write this shit down so I can process through it. Thank God I found this outlet! Thank God for blogs and the blogosphere!
Which brought me back to why I’m still writing this blog and why I’ve gotten so wrapped up in the stats and worried about commenting, answering comments, counting comments, etc. I mean again, really?! This is not what it was supposed to be about!
Then what is it all about Sherry?
It’s about this…
I LOVE this blogging community. I have a list of blogs a mile long that I read EVERY DAY. I keep up with you all. I cry for you. I root for you. I support you and I feel supported in the process. THAT’s what it should be about. Writing down my own thoughts and struggles and hoping, maybe, it touches and helps someone else. Commenting when I actually have something to say and not just to be heard – ugh…I hate it when I do that. Reading the heartfelt and welcome comments when someone is moved enough to comment on my blog.
But most importantly, this blog is so that I can stay out of the darkness and avoid the demon. It’s also so I can dissect my past and all the crap that got me where I am today. It’s about celebrating successes, acknowledging accomplishments, bragging on my kids, reaching out for help.
Essentially, this blog is my brain in Blogger format.
So if you don’t see me commenting very much, it doesn’t mean I’m not following and that I don’t care, it’s just that someone else has likely already said what I wanted to say. I am also not going to check my stats anymore either – they really don’t matter. The fact is that I’m not getting paid to do this. I’m not curing cancer. The world will keep on turning if I have 1 follower or 101.
There – I feel better now. And at the end of the day, that’s really what this is all about.