I think my attitude has finally turned around…for now. I’ve definitely been in a better mood the last couple of days. More importantly, I’m not nearly as anxious as I was. It’s a good thing too because I was reading Bye Bye Beer’s post today about relapses and it really made me stop and think, “Am I headed for a relapse?”
Okay, let’s be honest here…it scared the shit out of me…at first.
I clicked on the link that was included which outlined the 11 steps to a possible relapse (I won’t include the link here – you’ll have to read the post) and I felt better. So far, I’m not headed in that direction, even considering my bad attitude of late.
I have actually never really considered relapse as an option. Okay, that’s not entirely true. When I first got sober, I plotted and planned opportunities to drink. I would go on vacation away from the kids. I would wait until I was sober a year and then start drinking, moderately of course. I would wait until I retired at 65 to start drinking again. The list was as long and varied as my mood that day. It never happened of course because recovery, for me, is a process that builds upon itself. The farther along I am in the process the more I come to understand why I drank and that I can never do it again. It took me a while…but eventually I got there.
That’s not to say that I am immune to relapse. I don’t believe that any addict is. I relapsed twice while trying to accumulate some time. The first time I made it about a week. The second I had three months in before I went to a wine tasting and told myself I would just drink soda. I just mean that I don’t want to undo all the good that I’ve done…and…I’m also very, very stubborn. Once I finally make up my mind to do something – only my children or the hubs could likely change it and then it would probably have to be a matter of life and death. I’m a Taurus…I’m bull-headed by nature.
That’s how I quit smoking in 2002 (I think it was 2002). I had tried almost from the moment I began smoking to quit. I went to a hypnotist. I bought a little gadget that beeped everytime I could have a cigarette and was supposed to wean you off of them. I tried these filter things that filtered more and more the further you were in the process. I tried the patch. I tried Zyban (which is how I discovered my depression). I tried them all, several times until one day I just…stopped. Cold turkey. It was hard, but once my mind was made up I was done. Now I can’t believe I ever smoked and I smoked for over 25 years!
So I’m counting on my bull-headedness and my AA tools and these blogs and my wonderful family and my growth and recovery to keep me from relapse. I will be vigilant. I will be strong. I will be beautiful inside and out.
I will be true to my Taurean attributes.