That’s an old word, I know – but it’s the one that popped into my head today when I decided to express how I’m feeling. I feel crummy. Dictionary.com defines it as wretchedly inadequate; miserable; lousy.
Yep…that about covers it.
See I did something this weekend of which I can’t let go. I hurt a friend’s feelings, out of love…I promise, but I opened my big mouth when I should have kept it shut. Sometimes I get so caught up in the situation and I’m so concerned, or worried, or frustrated that my tongue gets in front of my eye teeth and I can’t see what I’m saying and how it will impact the other person after it’s been released into the Universe.
I, of all people, should know that you can’t take back words. Sticks and stones can break my bones but the wrong words can wound like no other. I’m still carrying around shit that was said to me as a child or a young woman. In fact, in thinking about it this morning, my mother’s words came to mind. She once call me a self-righteous, self-centered, sanctimonious (or maybe it was selfish) bitch. This morning I felt every one of those words.
Let’s be clear. I have already apologized and it has already been accepted. But in my crazy ass mind, I have many more mental beatings before I can let something like this go. I will turn it over and over in my head, analyze it every way to Sunday, beat myself black and blue (Is that you Boxing Bitch? Welcome home.) and generally make myself feel like shit before I will finally, and blessedly, let it go.
Of course every time it comes to mind for the next couple of months I’ll feel a pinch in my heart. But that will pass more quickly.
The good news is that as I’m moving through sobriety and recovery, I’m learning to keep my mouth shut more and more and to only offer my own experience and not tell people what I think they should do. Who the hell am I to tell anyone what they should do? When I do that, just tell my experience, I feel calm and loving. It’s like my heart is open and I can put my arms around people and not judge. I like it when I feel this way.
When I start telling people what I think they should do I feel anxious and worried. I become consumed with whether or not they took it the right way. It begins to take up real estate in my head and I begin to feel very judgemental which makes me want to puke. I do not like it when I feel this way.
So to turn this around (in my head), I will use this as a learning experience. After I’m done self-flagellating, I will file this away and resolve to be more careful with my words. I will use my toolbox and remember that it’s progress not perfection. I will use this opportunity to grow.
You know how when you first get sober you’re all worried about who you will become as a sober person? You have no idea because all you’ve ever known is how to numb everything and escape with booze. I really hope my mother wasn’t right.
So here’s my question…does anyone else out there ever do this?
PS – And now I’m second guessing this post because it looks like I’m looking for someone to make it okay. I’m really not. I just needed to process this morning and this was the best way. I’m just going to publish now and shut the fuck up.