I can’t seem to make that deep spiritual connection with God the way I used to and it’s really beginning to scare me. (I’ve written about this before so if you’re tired of hearing about it…you can hang up now.) But no matter how much I write about it, talk about it, pray about it, meditate on it…still…it’s just not happening. Okay – that’s not entirely true. I know He’s there…I just can feel Him the way I used to. Which is weird. I’ve always found a way to make contact.
When I was a little girl living in a totally dysfunctional, sick and disturbed family, I naturally used to talk to God often. I would pray for my dad to quit drinking. I would pray for him to get his eyesight back. I would pray to not get in trouble when I misbehaved. I prayed for boyfriends. I prayed for grades. Normal kid prayers done in my usual, informal conversational way. He never intimidated me or frightened me and I’m not sure why. The priests would certainly have preferred that I be afraid (it was the 60’s – the church was different then)…but I never was. I was just chatting with a friend.
After kids, I began to connect with my spirituality on a deeper level. That’s probably natural after bearing witness to three honest to goodness miracles. I returned to church and fell back in love with my faith. It took me to a deeper level of belief and connection. I watched my children become ensconced and gain an understanding of what I took for granted. I let the experts explain the basic tenets of our faith, and then I shared my own version and left them to decide for themselves what they wanted to believe.
As a result, I have two very spiritual but not very religious kids and one agnostic (or so he believes right now) and that’s okay with me. We talk about God and prayer all the time at home and we discuss different faiths and why they believe what they believe. We debate and discuss…and, most importantly, we believe (even the agnostic believes in something…he’s just not sure what yet). And we pray…informally, conversationally, like we’re chatting with a friend. I’m proud of that.
But my confusion is that since getting sober, when I’m supposed to be connecting with my HP, I’m getting busy signals, voice mail or hangups. In other words…I’m not making any connections. Back when I was in total and complete denial about my drinking, I used to feel a connection when I sneezed – and by that I mean – I only had to reach and it was there. When I prayed or meditated, I actually heard God speak to me from time to time, and once even got the shit scared out of me when I connected a little too closely.
Was that because I was in such bad shape and He knew He had to be there? Or am I just not doing enough to make the connection?
I don’t know. I’m doing a good job in my yoga practice connecting to myself (major progress BTW) but my meditation practice and daily prayer isn’t yielding any open lines. Maybe I just need to extend my meditation time and stop trying so hard.
Whatever it is, I hope the lines of communication are cleared soon. Two years of static and sporadic connections isn’t enough for this recovering alcoholic.
No…like any good alcoholic…I always want more.