Back in February, I posted about a possible job opportunity that I had heard about and wanted to pursue. I prayed, on my knees, in my office for God to make this wish come true. I prayed for patience because I knew it would be a long time before it would or could come to pass. I prayed for His will to be done.
Since then, I’ve had my eye on the job but didn’t really focus too much on it for fear I would jinx any possibility of getting it, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high because losing this would REALLY disappoint me…actually it would devastate me at this point.
I’ve applied for many, many, many more jobs since then. I’ve interviewed for many, many, many more jobs since then. Most of them I’ve ended up as one of the top two or three being considered…and I’ve been passed over every damn time. It’s been a huge blow to my confidence and my ego now lies in a bloody mass at the bottom of my consciousness begging me to please stop the madness.
And still I pray, every day, for God’s will, not mine, to be done.
When I started saying that prayer I was only paying it lip service because, in case you haven’t picked up on it, I may have a teensy bit of a problem with letting go of things. So I prayed because, as they say in AA, fake it till you make it. I have to admit that it’s become easier and easier to breathe and let go of things.
I also have been praying for God to help me be a better woman now that I’m in recovery and have my head screwed back on straight. Maybe all those rejections, bitter disappointments, mistakes and missteps were just stepping stones on that path. I mean, I have experienced a lot of feelings over the last three years that I would never have let myself experience before recovery. Things like fear, rejection, failure, disappointment, anxiety and sadness were stuffed down and coped with through outside measures. Take away those outside measures and you have only yourself and your God on which to rely.
Now it looks like maybe this job will come through and that I’ll be doing something I really, really like and at which I am really, really good. It’s not a role that I’ve ever done before but I’m a good fit and I have the opportunity to make it what I want.
So it hit me this morning that this may, in fact, BE what God wants for me. Maybe all those rejections were God’s way of shutting doors so that I wouldn’t walk through them. Maybe that open window has been in the room the whole time but I had to turn around and look for it to see it. Maybe this is His way of helping me be a better woman.
Anyway, I’m trying to stop staring at all those closed doors and wondering why me. I’m trying to remember to turn away from the closed doors and look for the open windows. And I’m trying to go through those open windows and come out on the other side not only victorious but a better person.
Progress not perfection.