Yesterday was a bad day. Not an all mind-blowing, go home and get under the covers and don’t come out till morning bad…but it was close. I wanted to just go home and get in my closet and be quiet for awhile. I wanted to pray. I wanted to just be still. I didn’t do any of these things because #3 son had a baseball game and I was responsible for #1 and #2 sons’ dinner.
And yes, I could have taken the time to do all those things before dinner AND the boys are certainly old enough to figure out dinner on their own but that’s not how I work. I don’t have them for many more years and since no one ever bothered about my meals most of my life, I have this obsession about making them healthy meals. PLUS – knowing they were hungry and waiting for me means I would never have been able to be still.
My reaction to yesterday was a clear indication that I am not spending enough time communing with God. Usually I can shake off days like yesterday without another thought – I can be Zen like that. But yesterday is still sitting with me like a pit in my stomach.
I am actually feeling a strong need (craving) to be alone and be quiet and hear His voice. I guess I miss Him? I don’t know. I remember when the hubs and I first started dating and would sit at work and count the minutes until it was time to leave and see him. I remember going back to work after the kids were born and counting the minutes until it was time to leave so I could see them. That’s what this feeling is.
I actually need some God and Me time. It needs it to be quality time too. Not my normal morning prayers, in the shower, where I get distracted thinking about what the day will bring. Not at night, before I’m drifting off to sleep when I have a tendency to nod off mid prayer. But a full on “search for God’s voice meditation” that sometimes leaves me a little weepy but always leaves me feel refreshed and calm and renewed.
He’s actually calling to me and I’m paying attention enough now that I know when He needs me.
Damn – this is cool and scary all at the same time. I’m not gonna lie – I’m freaking out a little here but it’s a good kind of freaking out. It’s kind of a Zen freak out.
So here’s a heads up to any of the members of my family that might be reading this, if you can’t find me this weekend I’ll be in my closet. Don’t bother knocking.