Driving home from work last night I had a sort of epiphany. Well…maybe it was more of a realization – I don’t know. But it kind of knocked my socks off so it counts as something.
It was a lovely summer evening. Slightly warm, a tad humid but with a soft breeze that makes the humidity more than bearable. As I was driving, I let my mind drift (don’t worry, I’m a very good driver). I started thinking about what I was going to do when I got home and I realized that I didn’t have a plan. I always have a plan. I have to have something to look forward to. If I don’t…well…what’s the point?
For as long as I’ve been in charge of my own destiny, I can remember always having a plan for fun. Always knowing what the next fun thing was going to be. Always having something to do.
Let me give you some examples…
Before kids we ate out a lot (because I had this rule about not drinking at home). I would spend most of the day thinking about where we were going for dinner and looking forward to it like it was Christmas.
When the kids were little I just looked forward to getting home to them. That was enough for a long time.
Then I started looking forward, all day, to that glass of wine.
Then that tub o’ chocolate I would eat. Or the tub o’ popcorn. Or the tub o’ Goldfish. Whatever – it was all just a substitute for the wine anyway.
And when I say I was looking forward to it, I mean it was the focus of my day. When I thought about it, a feeling of calm would come over me no matter how crazy, or awful, or wonderful my day had been. And if, for some reason, I didn’t get my (insert substance or activity here), my evening would be ruined. I wouldn’t just be dissappointed – I would be devastated.
So as I was driving home, I realized that there wasn’t any (insert substance or activity here) waiting for me…that I didn’t have anything to do. That’s when the epiphany jumped up and bit me on the ass.
For the love of all that is holy, what is wrong with me? Why do I need something external to make me feel right internally? Why can’t I get that from inside my own heart? Which Lego is missing from the tower?
Okay – if your a normal person you’re probably thinking, “This chick is one crayon short of a full box”, because normal people don’t even think about this crap. They are either happy or they aren’t. They don’t analyze the hell out of their lives and dissect each and every thought.
But I am not normal. I’ve been self-medicating in one form or another for as long as I can remember which makes it impossible for me to function in the real world without a lot of self-analysis.
I have no idea what I’m going to do about this but it feels so good just to be aware. I came home last night feeling lighter and happier and with more energy (okay that might be the detox…actually I think it is) than I have in years. It’s a good thing. It’s a relief.
A relief to know that I don’t have to search outside of myself for fulfillment or happiness anymore because I know…and I mean I KNOW…that it doesn’t exist out there. It exists within my own heart.
“What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen.” ~Emerson or Thoreau (depends on who you ask)
Doesn’t matter. I like miracles. I think I’ll make some happen.