I don’t know what it is about me but I can go from perfectly fine to restless, irritable and discontent in no time at all. Especially when coming off a weekend like I’ve just had full of lots of excitement and busyness.
Mood swings? Maybe, I’ve been known to swing a mood or two.
Depression? Duh – but I’m heavily medicated.
Childhood Trauma? Double duh.
Alcoholic? Ding, ding, ding! Yes, we have a winner!
I used to think it was always one of the first three things that would send me into this particular place where I’ve found myself this morning, but now I’ve come to believe it’s just the whole alcoholic thing.
I mean, isn’t that what got me drinking in the first place? And if we’re not careful, isn’t that what can drive us all back to drinking? That feeling of being bored and wanting to make myself feel better. That almost adolescent desire to just throw caution to the wind and do something crazy just so I can fool myself into thinking I’m something I’m not or to feel something I don’t? That feeling that I have to do something.
And then, when I figure out that I can’t figure it out – I start blaming.
I blame my weight, my job, my skin, my childhood, my marriage (but not my children…never, EVER my children), my financial situation, the government, the Church, aging, my boss, my friends, my lack of a graduate degree…blah, blah, blah.
Then I do something
I go on a diet, join a gym, beef up my resume and repost it on a bunch of job sites, buy a self help book, plan a date night or weekend, stress about the money, rage at the government, go on a shopping spree and buy lots of new potions and lotions for my aging skin and body, enroll in graduate school…(of course before sobriety I used to do all these things AND drink…so I am making some progress).
And what do you think happens each time I do one or all of these things? Yep – you guessed it! I quit. Give it up. Walk away. And why, do you ask? Well because it wasn’t what I really needed or wanted. It was just a quick fix. A way to assuage the feelings and maybe make myself feel better. But it never works.
I used to think of myself as a failure when these things didn’t work. Old Boxing Bitch would jump in the ring and we’d go a few rounds – usually with me stepping out of the ring bruised, battered and beaten. But now I know the truth, I’m just a recovering alcoholic still exhibiting alcoholic tendencies. A 51 year old woman trying to find herself after a lifetime of swimming really hard, against the current, and getting nowhere.
It’s time for me to roll over and float and let the current take me downstream for a change. Even if it means hitting some rapids or going over a huge waterfall, at least it will be letting go and living on life’s terms and in the direction God intended for my life to flow – not the direction I think my life should flow. Then maybe I won’t be fighting just to breathe and stay alive and I won’t be so dang tired. Maybe I’ll just breathe and be alive and live.
And maybe I’ll be a little less restless, irritable and discontent.
Now – would someone like to tell me how the hell to get that done?