I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what I’m doing in AA and what, if anything, I’m gaining…besides a place where I feel comfortable. Is that all it has to be? And why do I feel so comfortable there? Is it because after hearing their stories I feel better than them because I wasn’t as “bad” (just keeping it real here), or is it just because, as I’ve said before, it’s the only place I’ve ever been that I don’t feel shame.
And, if I’m really keeping it real, I have to say I don’t feel as good about being in the program as I used to feel. The more I go to meetings the more I wonder if AA is really for me. I don’t think I’m giving it what I’m supposed to give it and therefore am probably not getting out of it what it was designed to give me. Does that make any sense? Who knows…
For example, I’m on the precipice of my fifth step and I’m not feeling any urgency about getting it done. My sponsor has had to reschedule a few times and I’m not the least bit concerned. I’m not worried about it or afraid of it (like I was the fourth step), in fact, I’m a little apathetic and that’s what has me worried. I feel like I owe these people and myself more than just lip service.
Another example…I haven’t chosen a home group. I’ve done some reading in the meetings and I did the detox meeting but other than that, I haven’t done any real service work (Catholic guilt maybe?). I’m down to one meeting a week. My name isn’t even on anyone’s phone list.
Plus, when I’m in the meetings I always feel like I’m saying the wrong thing. I get looks from the regulars and comments later that make me feel like I’m doing it “wrong”…like I’ve been around enough to know better. I may have been sober for awhile but I’m just a baby in the program. I’ve even been going to beginner’s meetings because they teach what the program is about and what the “rules” are. The only problem has been in those meetings that they “call on you” (to make sure everyone interacts) and while I know I could pass I don’t and then I feel like I’ve said something wrong.
Maybe I’m just lazy and this is going to sound really, really, bad but I just don’t need anyone else in my life right now. If I put my name on the phone list then someone is going to call me – I HATE talking on the phone and AA people live by the phone…they have to…it’s how they survive…it’s a life line and one I know would be available to me at a moments notice if I needed it. But I don’t think I can give anymore of myself to anyone else right now. All my life I have given myself away and taken care of everyone else.
Wow…maybe that’s it. Maybe now I just want to take care of ME. I’ve finally opened the door to taking care of myself and providing myself some much needed nurturing and I feel like if I immerse myself into this program the way I should, I’ll end up nurturing everyone else and just put myself on the back burner again. And that back burner is what got me here in the first place. Everyone talks about how selfish and self-centered alcoholics are. For me it’s just the opposite. I give and give and give until there is nothing left for me…then I turned to alcohol for my own nurturing. I didn’t like me very much.
And now I’m beginning to like my own company. I like quiet and solitude. I like being alone with my thoughts…taking the time to write them down and figure them out and quite frankly, that’s all I have the capacity to do right now. If I become a part of this organization the way I think I should (because with me it’s an all or nothing proposition) then I’m afraid I’ll have to abandon this journey that I’ve just started.
And this journey is nothing short of a miracle for me.
So (and this is why I love to blog so much…I’ve come to the end of the post and I’ve decided what I’m going to do…I love being a girl), I am going to print this post and go over all these feelings with my sponsor (who just called in the middle of this post – is that a God moment or what?) and see what she recommends I do. I’m just going to be me – honest and open – and tell her that if I reach out and really embrace the tenets of this program then I’m going to end up mothering the hell out of it and anyone who comes within 20 feet of me. Right now it’s not what I need and it’s not what anyone else needs either. These folks don’t need a mother, they need an AA partner.
Thank you God for my sobriety today and for this blog and for all those in the blogging community. It has truly been a salvation to me.