It is a cold and rainy morning here in the Southeastern US and I find myself impatient for spring to just get here already (um…hello…it’s still February). In fact, as I examine this I realize that I am impatient about just about everything! And the more I look at it, the more I realize that my life is rife with examples.
For instance, this weekend my friend and I were discussing why we find it difficult to find peace of mind. A book had been recommended to her to help her learn to quiet the ceaseless chatter in her head – I call mine the Boxing Bitch you may recall. My first thought was, “Oh my god! Not another book. Why can’t there just be a pill to shut those voices up!” Um…yeah…there was a pill…mine was Chardonnay – and that didn’t work out too well now did it? Maybe I should slow down a little and exercise some patience while trying to get BB to shut the hell up.
Then there’s this job. I’m still waiting to hear something…anything, and the waiting is torture! I keep telling myself, “Not in my time, in God’s time.” I keep trying to put my faith in Him but I’m so impatient! Can’t we just get this over with? Pull that dang band-aid off already!
I’m impatient when it comes to my weight loss. I want it all gone NOW. Nevermind that I’m losing 1-2 pounds per week (which is optimal and quite a miracle considering my age and that I haven’t been working out) but it’s too slow for me. Right now I’m still committed but I’m afraid I’m going to do what I always do when self improvement methods are too hard for me or take too long…I quit. I justify it and rationalize it all over the place but it is what it is – quitting because I’m impatient for results. Sigh…
I’m impatient when it comes to recovery. I want to speed through the steps and get to the “good” part. The part where I start to feel better and unravel some of my dysfunction. I want to be healed and I want it to happen now. Fortunately I think I’ve found a sponsor that will call me on my bullshit and make me do it in God’s time and not my own.
Now, I’m not an idiot – intellectually I know that anything worth having must be worked for…and I work. In all other areas of my life I approach things head on, roll my sleeves up and get to work. I take my time, exercise patience and do an amazing job with just about any task given. It’s only when it comes to tending my own garden that I get sloppy and impatient. Why is that?
Maybe it’s because I don’t feel worthy of the hard work. I mean, why waste time on me? I’m worthless, self-centered and self-righteous (be careful what you say to your children…they never forget it) so why bother? Nice…huh?
Most likely it’s because I feel that if I spend any time on myself then I’m taking time from my job, or those I love, or the service work I should be doing or…whatever. Then I start to feel guilty for taking that time and then BB straps on the gloves and jumps back into the ring.
This applies to little and big things. I feel guilty when I get my nails done or get a massage which is supposedly what we women do to take care of ourselves. The reality is that I should be taking time to do some REAL work on my psyche – meditation, yoga, AA Meetings, just sitting quietly and thinking through things, blogging or journaling. But those things are not finite. They do not last for an hour and then you’re done. They are long term commitments. So when I think about REALLY investing in myself and my well being, Guilt (with a capital G) jumps into the ring with BB and they begin to tag team the match…and I’m down for the count. That’s when I look to God and say, “Just make the chatter stop – make it go away – and make it happen NOW.” I am impatient for the match to end. I am impatient for the peace and serenity to find me. I am just…impatient.
But (and this is a big BUT), if I don’t start taking care of myself and what’s going on inside my head, then how will I ever take care of those other things that I’m allowing to make me feel guilt and fill me with an urgent need to fill my days with anything other than myself? How will I finally defeat BB and her sidekick G?
I think I’ll start by buying a book…um…right after I take care of a few things.