Control is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I have been conditioned to hold on to things with a clenched fist so that I don’t lose them when in fact I never had them in the first place. I seek to control everything and everyone in my life so that they can’t hurt me (or so that I’ll see it coming if they do). If I can just remain in control then I won’t ever be hurt or dissappointed and I won’t hurt or dissappoint anyone else. I think I’m beginning to understand the root of my trust issues…man am I thick headed sometimes.
I had a very emotional weekend. Things are changing around me and that makes me uncomfortable because I can’t control the change. When it got that way before, when I had the perception that I was losing control, I would retreat with my wine and just drink and think…drink and think…until I couldn’t think anymore and all the uncomfortableness was gone and I thought I’d come to some brilliant conclusion about what needed to be done. Unfortunately for my family and friends, I sometimes shared that conclusion which was…just plain not pretty. And then I’d pass out only to wake the next morning dazed and confused…able to remember that I had a brilliant idea but unable to remember exactly what is was (and too embarrassed to ask) which resulted in more uncomfortableness…et cetera, et cetera…
Anyway, now when I feel like I’m losing control and I’m uncomfortable, I’m learning to lean on my recovery and God to help me navigate through these unfamiliar waters. I get that there are two paths in most situations – acceptance and the courage to make a change (or not make a change) – but knowing which one to do is what keeps tripping me up – you know…the whole “wisdom to know the difference” part? Do I stick my nose in and lend a hand or do I let it play out and watch my loved ones struggle? What do I take on and own and what do I leave alone? When am I needed and how do I know? What CAN I and what am I SUPPOSED to control?
So for now I’m trying to just let things be for a little while and not be so quick to act on them. To be silent so that I can hear that small, quiet voice that nudges me in the right direction. I’m trying to nuture that voice so it will grow and get louder. I’m trying so that God won’t need to use the brick on me so often.