There have been times in my life when I’ve had no problem giving it all to God and just letting go. I remember when the kids were little and we were trying to get all three of them into a very small Catholic school at the same time. They only had one class per grade and I had one third grader and TWO first graders. Everyone said not to get my hopes up so I didn’t…because I KNEW. I knew that He was going to take care of it. I KNEW that they would get in because that’s where we were supposed to be. So when they did get in, everyone wanted to know why I wasn’t surprised. I remember looking at them and thinking…well duh.
Then there was the period that I was selling Mary Kay. In that organization (which I love by the way even though I sent my product back – it’s not their fault I suck at selling) you walk on faith on a daily basis. I remember being at Seminar and knowing that, for that moment in time, I was exactly where I needed to be. I had been laid off a couple of months earlier and my self esteem was in the toilet. God sent these angels to me who took me in their arms and built my ego back piece by piece. They taught me to embrace the gifts God gave me (compassion, empathy, an ability to nurture, listening skills) and not to be afraid to use them. They told me that they were, in fact, gifts that should not be squandered. The heck with those that couldn’t understand. And that although I couldn’t change the whole world, I could sure as hell change my little corner of it.
Then I got sober and screeeeeeech…crickets. Well…not exactly…more like paralyzing fear that I didn’t know how to pray anymore and that I was doing it all wrong (see prior posts). Or maybe just plain fear without a name…fear…and lack of trust…oh hell – I really have no flippin’ idea. I just know that I’ve been anxious and really, really wanting to do this and find some…peace. For once in my life some real peace.
Now I’ve had a pit in my stomach ever since the meeting on Monday night where we talked a lot about letting go. I’ve been praying for Him to make His will evident to me – just show me and I’ll follow. I thought I felt better about it this morning but upon closer inspection…nope…still afraid. The pit is still there combined with a slight tightness in my chest where my heart is (and there are not enough antacids on the planet to make it go away). So I’m either having a heart attack or I’m looking for a way to fill that pit and relieve the pressure.
The bottom line is I’m just bewildered – I don’t know HOW to Let Go and Let God. I say the words. I get on my knees. But how do I actually DO it? Anyone out there know? I really need some help with this one.